Infertility Musings

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2012-02-08T15:18:00.000-05:00

I am a lazy blogger but I want to document the goings on so I canlook back and be able to remember what is happening. I should also start a journal.

● My baby shower was last weekend. It was extremely sweetand small, many of my closest friends made the trek from VT. My sister and her11 year old daughter also came; it meant a lot to be surrounded by many that Ilove. Since it was small it wasn’t too awkward to be the center of attention. Ireceived some the bigger things that we need (stroller, car seat, andbassinette) and lots of other cute baby items. It is weird to have baby stuffin our house. It is still hard to believe that it will be occupied by a tinyhuman (please oh please).

● I still get scared. Sometimes when it seems like a lot oftime has elapsed since feeling the baby move I am sent into a mini panic. Ijostle my belly and sure enough movement returns. I hate thinking bad thoughtsbut I can’t deny that they still creep in my mind from time to time.

● We have to make a list of what we still need. We aregoing to buy a crib sometime next month. My plan is still start acquiring children’sbooks; I want to buy at least one a week until the tiny human makes its debut.I want to have a good library for the wee one.

● My friend IRL who has struggled with 3+ years of IF ispregnant. So is Jes. I know it is early but please let them be sticky bpfs resulting in healthy, strong Take home babies. Thank you universe, may there be other BFPs for my bloggyfriends in waiting.

● I have started the process of securing daycare. It feelsterrifying. It is unnerving and stressful to make calls to providers to figureout who will take care of my baby. My goal is to call 3 a day until we have 5 togo and look at. My bigger goal is to have a daycare in place by the end of themonth. I have decided to do an in home daycare for the first year or so,something close to my office where I can leave and bf during the day. When thebaby is older, I will switch to a center but for now I am looking for somethingin home. Hopefully, it will be part time daycare. My in-laws will havegrandbaby duty one day and I am hoping to switch to a 4 day a week schedule. Itis overwhelming to think about all of this.

● I have had a couple of near-fainting spells like the one I hadin the woods, by myself. No more hills, for some reason my pregnant body cannothandle them. The last one was really scary, I almost passed out in the street,I was stumbling, my ears were ringing, I was covered in sweat and could barelymake it home. Not good. I still walk (almost daily) but stick to the flatroads.

● The hubs birthday is on Friday. My sweet, sweet love isanother year older. I am looking forward to celebrating his awesomeness. I feelso blessed to be his partner.

● I am officially in the 3T. I want to savor every moment, even the uncomfortable ones. (Why does this font look different?)

Finally, here is a recent belly shot!

pregnancy stats and a paranoid's trip to L & D.

2012-01-26T13:37:00.000-05:00

The hubs and I have both been hit with some bad luck on the health front, it was old 2 weeks ago and it is still going on, ugh. I had my own challenges, a three week cold, a tooth extraction, and then the hubs joined in on the fun with a 24 hour stomach bug and a major toothache because he found out he needs a root canal. I feel so bad for him, he is really in pain. Hopefully he will get an appointment soon so he can lay off the narcotics and put an end to the sleepless nights. In the midst of his tooth drama I had to take an unexpected trip to labor and delivery.

On Monday night I was having some pretty serious stomach pain that would not quit, it didn't feel like braxton hicks but it was more like a sharp, burning pain. I asked Dr. Google for some tips and was told in no uncertain terms DO NOT IGNORE stomach pain. I called the on call doc and sure enough, she wanted me to come in to be monitored. I had to drive since the hubs was under the influence, I was in a state that reached its height when I almost had a full blown panic attack at the ER. Fortunately, the hubs coached me to relax and breathe which helped, the panic attack was averted. Once I got into L&D I was hooked up to some monitors, one for my uterus to measure any possible contractions and another for the babies heart. It took a minute to find the heartbeat, excruciating, but once located it was strong and normal. My uterus was deemed "irritable" and it was chalked up to some dehydration. My cervix was long and closed and in general everything was dandy. After a couple of hours I was sent home and went to bed feeling pretty sick. The morning brought a pain free stomach and a bit of shame for being so damn nervous. Everyone told me that it is better to be safe than sorry, and it is, but I still felt a tad bit stupid. Sigh, no more drama please.

And now onto the stats: We had an appointment this week and got to see our little bub, it is measuring at approximately 2.5 pounds of baby!! So incredible, the u/s sucked but that is a story for another post.

Total weight gain:19 pounds. Yes, only one pound in the past 3 weeks! Daily walking has really paid off both physically and mentally, I think the 8 pounds of weight that I gained in about five weeks forced my ass back into gear. Hooray! I am not totally hung up on my weight but I think staying in "shape" and not gaining too much weight because I can will be helpful to me and the bub in the long run.

Maternity Clothes: pretty much all the time. I think I am going to retire my non-maternity shirts because I don't want them to be too stretched out to wear post-pregnancy. I still fit into my winter jacket, thank goodness!

Stretch Marks: No!

Sleep: It's okay. I am going to buy a tempur pedic mattress pad so I can get back into bed and off the couch.

Movement: Yes, everyday. I love it!

Cravings/Aversions: I never liked pickles before getting pregnant and I don't crave them but they are really tasty if they end up in front of me. My appetite is small, go figure.

Gender:

Symptoms: Acid reflux.

Exercise: Walking at least 30 minutes a day and pre natal yoga a couple times per week.

Sex: None since I last posted.

What I miss: Some mornings when I put on my pants or walk up stairs I feel breathless, I look forward to that not happening.

What I look forward to: A baby shower! Next weekend, hooray!!

Milestones: I passed the gestational diabetes test! Woot. I rewarded myself with pizza and a coke. I am getting close to the 3T, crazy!

Medical concerns: Thyroid has been stable since November, I won't get retested until my next visit with the MFM in a little less than 5 weeks. At that point I will start seeing her every other week.

Misc: I am still waiting to get the verdict about a vaginal birth. I was told after my robotic myomectomy that I would have to have a c-section. However, the surgical notes indicate that the surgeon did not penetrate the uterine cavity leaving my doctor to assume a vaginal birth is okay. I remember the surgeon telling me that she didn't have to go in as deeply as she had assumed. Although my doctor has left a message for the surgeon they have not spoken yet. In some ways, I wish that I wasn't given the hope of a potential vaginal birth. I was prepared to have a c-section but now I really want to try to deliver vaginally. Next visit I will know for sure, we will have to start our classes ASAP since I will be 31 weeks by then.

bits and bobs

2012-01-23T09:56:00.000-05:00

There is no discernible reason as to why I was so damn emotional this past weekend. Chalk it up to hormones but I found myself in tears pretty often. Sunday morning was the worst, while making breakfast I had to stop and lean over the counter and cry, I felt guilty for acting like a shit towards the hubs. I was frustrated with myself because I am getting forgetful, I don't like it and I guess I was taking it out on the hubs. I didn't communicate what was going on inside my head, a departure from my typical self, instead I internalized my frustration and it seemed to seep out in tears.The weepies seemed to dissipate before we went crib shopping, thank goodness! I didn't want to appear in public as a crying mess.

Speaking of, I dreaded the crib shop. I have a strong dislike for large big box stores but can't really afford the small boutique-y shops so I anticipated crib browsing to be a pretty heinous experience. To my surprise, it wasn't bad! We found a couple of cribs that we liked and will most likely buy one in several weeks. It was really exciting and the hubs enjoyed it too. What I think was helpful was the utilitarian nature of our outing and that there is not much of an opportunity to shove gender "norms" down ones throat.There is nothing more stomach turning (for me) than the rigid gender stereotypes. Perhaps it is from years of gender studies and work in the domestic violence field that turn pink and blue repellent. I know I will have to succumb to some of the marketing but I am hopeful that I can keep it to the minimum.

According to my ticker I am less than 100 days from meeting my little bub. I really, really hope that all goes well. Tomorrow is our first ultrasound since 18+ weeks, it is both exciting and scary. I will also drink the orange liquid for the gestational diabetes test. Crazy, I am knocking on the door of the third trimester and while it seems really fast time seems to have slowed down. Weeks do not go by as quickly and I am trying to appreciate every single day.

Lastly, I have a good friend IRL who is in the beginning of her 2ww of her first DE cycle. I am wishing and hoping for her as well as Jes who is about to embark on her 2ww. Please universe, healthy take home babies all around.

25 weeks? I've lost count, I think I'm closer to 26.

2012-01-17T15:11:00.001-05:00

Well, I am a crappy blogger, I have started several posts but have not finished them. I have had a rough few weeks, I got a cold that would not quit and made FOUR trips to the dentist culminating in a tooth extraction. Ouch, that hurt and kind of still does. Moral of the story? Don't ignore tooth pain and do take care to have regular cleanings. I neglected my teeth since the move and paid for it.And now onto the pregnancy details....

Total weight gain: 18 pounds. Holy shit, I am not liking the dramatic increase in the last 6 weeks. My doctor seems to think the weight gain is fine but it has motivated me to exercise every day, nothing dramatic just walks, walks, walks, and some yoga. I now out weigh my slim husband, not a good look. Being ridiculously busy at work for several weeks following by a debilitating cold has helped me to pack on the pounds.

Maternity Clothes: I am already sick of the few pieces I have so I just ordered a few more. I can still squeeze into some non-maternity shirts but for pants there is no way. Although I have gained a lot of weight, it does some like mostly belly weight, at least that is what I tell myself.

Stretch Marks: I am not sure, I have a line on my lower abdomen but there is no color, it just looks like a line from wearing pants that are too tight, at least that is what the hubby thinks. I have no control of my genetics but I am still using my organic Shea butter religiously.

Sleep: It's okay. I tried to move back into my bed this weekend and lasted until 4:30, not bad. Last night it was back to the couch since my husband is sick with something different than what I had, I do not want it! I need to be back in bed full time for the sake of my dog, we don't want to bring home an attention stealing creature and kick her out of the bed.

Movement: Love it! I have noticed a pattern of several very active days followed by a "lazy" day. I keep telling myself it's normal.

Cravings/Aversions: Not so much but I do love me some fruit.

Gender: It is a mystery, for now.

Symptoms: Acid reflux comes and goes, some days it is horrible but other days I don't have to gobble Tum.s.

Exercise: As I mentioned, I am walking at least 30 minutes a day. Sometimes I notice a tightness in my abdomen when I am out and about, braxton hicks, perhaps? Yesterday I had a really weird experience. I went for a walk in the woods with Browndog and after about a half an hour I turned around at the bottom of a hill .When I went to walk back up it I felt like I was going to faint, alone, in the woods. Not fun. I slowly climbed the hill and had to sit down halfway through. I made it and slowly started to regain my composure, it was scary!

Sex: It is getting a bit more challenging. It is harder to reach an orgasm without being able to resort to my favorite position. Yes, I know this is border-line TMI. The last time we had sex I was able to and as soon as it was over (the orgasm) I started crying uncontrollably until I started laughing. Seriously, it was fucking weird.

What I miss: aside from adult beverages, not much.

What I look forward to: My next ultrasound a week from today, it's been a long while since we have seen the bub.

Milestones: Viability?

Medical concerns: My thyroid seems to have stabilized. I have been on the same dose of medication for 10 weeks or so but at my last blood draw it was starting to creep up a bit so I need to maintain my every other week trip to the lab. It is a bit of an inconvenience but it is well worth it.

Misc: I am really, really enjoying pregnancy. I am grateful for everyday and despite my complaining, every pound.

help for a clueless infertile

2012-01-02T12:39:00.000-05:00

Being sick sucks. Enough said.

Aside from that, can I get some advice for what to put on a baby registry? I know the big stuff; crib, stroller, car seat, highchair. But what else? Anyone have any feedback for must have baby items? I don't want to be excessive, I just want the basics to take care of a small human. Any thoughts are VERY appreciated.

Thanks,
xo
Gurlee

2011: A year in review

2011-12-28T12:01:00.001-05:00

It's nearing the end of the year, I cannot believe how fast time seems to move...sigh. Like many others, I like to reflect back upon the year that is rapidly coming to a close, 2011 has been very eventful, life changing in fact. I imagine 2012 is going to be equally eventful but in very different ways. Thank you for sharing a segment of my life with me, your support is invaluable. I wish that 2012 brings us all of the blessings we so desperately desire.

January:
Way back in January I was closing an 18 year chapter in my life, living in one of the most amazing places, Vermont. It was with a heavy heart that I left a fantastic job, terrific friends, and an awe-inspiring landscape. As much as I love Vermont, I love my husband more and moving to Boston for his secure, better paying job was worth it. Besides, we are close enough that we can easily visit VT and I was keen to make a fresh start. My late November/early December miscarriage after my first IVF was really, really hard and I could no longer bear to live apart from the hubs.

Behind our old house.

February:

February brought my last IVF attempt in Vermont, I had insurance coverage through my old job and felt comfortable and wanted to stay with my doctors, I decided to give it another go. I drove back and forth a lot and stayed with one of my supportive best friends. The cycle was a failure. February was a dark time.
My husband celebrated his 40th, wow. I am married to a 40 year old!

April:
In April, I turned a year older and remarkably I wasn't filled with self-pity. I tried to remain present and felt optimistic because April 1st marked the start of my new health insurance coverage and a visit to a new RE. I was lonely, missing my friends and spending a ton of time on my own. I was only working part time and my husband spent way too many hours a day commuting. My in-laws, whose cottage we were living in were soaking up the sun in a warmer place, I didn't have too many people to talk to. Brown dog and I took a lot of walks. Towards the end of the month, my sweet nephew J was born and his twin brother J was buried. It was extremely bitter-sweet. My heart hurt for my brother and his wife.

Brown Dog on the beach

May:
In May I started working part time for a gardener, it was terrific. I LOVE being outdoors and being able to put my hands in the dirt was incredible. I learned some new gardening skills while I was gearing up for IVF #3. My in-laws were back and spring was a serious mood enhancer. I was looking and interviewing for full time jobs.

Not a garden I worked in but a lovely display of one of my favorite flowers in Boston.

June:

June marked IVF #3 which culminated in a chemical pregnancy. I was pretty upset and in denial that I had 3 failed IVF cycles under my belt, I never imagined that I would be in such a place, who does? I was buoyed a bit by the miscarriage and chemical pregnancies as crazy as that sounds, knowing that I could conceive gave me strength to move forward. Despite another failure, my embryo production was the best it had been. We had 4 frosties and one was a blast! I had never had an embryo grow into a blast before. In addition, I was offered a full time job at an agency that serves victims/survivors of domestic violence. Despite wanting to move away from the DV world, I couldn't deny the feeling of "home" that I had when I went for my interview. I accepted the job and was sad to leave the garden. Putting on sunscreen and bug spray for work was pretty fantastic, I liked it a lot more than dressing up for court everyday (which I had to do in my last job before leaving Vermont). Alas, I needed the stability of full-time, year round employment.

July:
I began working full time in July. Despite a ridiculously long commute, we enjoyed our summer on the coast as much as we could, we kayaked, swam, and hung out at the beach. I started bcps for an FET.

A beach near our old hood.

August:
August is a special time for me, it is the month that we were married. We planned to go to a Bon Iver show in western Mass to celebrate our anniversary but had to cancel due to the timing of our FET monitoring, for shame. After a bit of looking, we found a place to live! After months is a small cottage across the street from my in-laws, whom I adore, I looked forward to starting a new chapter in our lives with more space and more privacy. Our move in date was September 1st. After my embryo transfer which I was convinced did not work, I POAS and it was undeniably positive! High doubling betas were not enough to instill confidence, I was badly burned on the last go around and despite feeling excited I could not let go of the fear.

Me and Brown Dog on our early September vacation in the White Mountains, NH.

September:
It took about a full 6 weeks to move, I thought doing it gradually was a great idea. For the first week we only had a mattress to sit on, the hard woods floors proved to be pretty uncomfortable. Despite my reluctance, we had to let a few of our family members in on the news, we needed help moving & had to let folks know I wasn't being lazy. Lying about a back injury did not seem like a good idea. In addition, we graduated from our RE to a MFM, a huge and scary step!

October:
I continued to settle into my job and our new home, I visited my friends in Vermont and despite missing it terribly, I knew that I needed to be in a different place. I embarked on the (holy shit!) second
trimester!

Brown Dog getting used to city life, lots of chucking.

November & December:

My job became consuming, gearing up and orchestrating the gift drive for over 300 individuals was exhausting and rewarding. I worked several 60 hour weeks and I am finally recovering despite a cold. As for the pregnancy front, I feel like this could really be it, I am starting a baby registry and have begun to think about daycare, parenting and all things baby related. I still get nervous and sometimes bang on my belly so I can wake the little one up and feel its reassuring movements.

And finally here I am. I swear I am much, much bigger than this picture shows. I hope no one finds my face!

Overall, a lot of change in 2011, it is amazing to think back to year's past and my struggles with IF. Again, I wish that all of achieve what you desire in 2012, may 2012 be even better than your 2011.

20 weeks!

2011-12-06T17:18:00.001-05:00

This is the first time I am doing a post like this, I finally feel like I am not terrified all of the time. It still feels unreal! If you are not in a good space, please skip this post & come back again soon. As always, I am rooting for my IF sisters! xoxo

Total weight gain: 9 pounds, although it may be a bit more, I only weigh in at the doctor's office.

Maternity Clothes: Yes please. If I am wearing pants, they are maternity. Regular skirts, dresses and most shirts still fit. I am trying to acquire a larger wardrobe. My sister in law lent me several things over Thanksgiving, some are too big but I am sure I will grow into them.

Stretch Marks: No! I use Shea butter oil everyday post shower and some moisturizer when the itch overwhelms me.

Sleep: Eh. I sleep on the couch because my bed is so damn hard. Sleeping on my side, especially in my bed makes my hips sore. I miss sleeping with my hubs. Browndog loves it since she has take over my side of the bed. I need to invest in a feather bed so I can move back into my room.

Movement: Yes! I love the flutters and pops, if I'm mindful, I notice it several times throughout the day.

Cravings/Aversions: Not much.

Gender: It is a mystery, for now.

Symptoms: I puked on Monday morning and felt nauseous again on Tuesday, wth? I have pretty regular acid reflux but I am not complaining! My MFM doc told me that I can take a daily stool softener, thankfully, constipation is a bitch.

Exercise: I try to walk as often as possible. I do pre-natal yoga several times a week, I want to try and stay in "shape".

Sex: Yes, please. Although it's not often (once a week), it feels pretty incredible, TMI, sorry. Positioning can be awkward but it's pretty fun, for now :)

What I miss: I occasionally want a drink but I am holding out. I miss Brie and blue cheese too!

What I look forward to: My hubs being able to feel the bub kick!

Milestones: 20 weeks! Halfway, woot-woot!

Medical concerns: My thyroid. A while back I posted about a scare but didn't elaborate. My hypothyroidism has been really difficult to manage. For a while I was in a hyper state which four different doctors have told me is a better place to be than a hypo state, better to have an excess than not enough. I get blood draws every ten days or so and the last couple of times my levels have been "normal". I anticipate more fluctuations but I am confident in my doctor's careful monitoring.

Misc: I still can't believe this is real.

Thanksgiving recap

2011-12-01T10:36:00.001-05:00

I have a slight lull in my hectic work schedule. As part of my new gig, I coordinate a massive holiday gift drive for over 100 families. This equates to over 300 people to find nine gifts a piece for, roughly 2100 presents. I have been dealing with donors, volunteers, clients, and way too many excel spreadsheets. It is really tedious but equally enjoyable. I hear once we open the warehouse next week things will be even more crazy. I feel fortunate to work in such a generous community. The folks we serve have all experienced significant trauma and are struggling to rebuild their lives after leaving abusive situations, such strength. I do love my job and I am looking forward to the end of the drive because I will have loads of vacation time to spend with my family. All the extra hours leads to less blogging time, pity.

We traveled to see my family in NJ over the holiday, our tradition for the last several years, next year, it's time to start new traditions. Hopefully, our family will have grown by one and traveling for numerous hours in the car is not going to fly, although we probably could carry on with the same old same old, it is a good excuse not to.I anticipated the trip to be a bit difficult, my parents, despite my fierce love for them they tend to drive me CRAZY! More on that later....

Last year, I miscarried around Thanksgiving and I am certain I know exactly when it happened. My hubs was living in Mass and I was still in Vermont, I arrived in NJ on Wednesday night and he came down on Thanksgiving morning. On Wednesday night I went to the bathroom and had some spotting, I texted my husband and he tried to reassure me, "it's normal, don't worry". As most of you know, I was right to worry, the heartbeat had stopped and the little one was gone. I found out six days later when I had my scheduled ultrasound. I was alone. I was devastated. The anniversary cast it's shadow on my Thanksgiving, I was nervous and felt superstitious. I didn't want to go the same places I went to last year, I couldn't handle any additional memories or fear coming up.

Aside from grieving the loss and balancing my worry & enthusiasm for my current state I had a huge fight with my mother right before I was about to walk out the door. It had been brewing all weekend, in fact, my frustration has been mounting for a while. Let me explain a bit about my parents, they act old, are sedentary, watch way too much television, and from my perspective they don't really embrace life. Yes, I know these feelings/perceptions are all judgments and I try to tell myself that they are happy but their constant complaints about varying ailments make me feel so frustrated. My mother is very overweight, she has been that way her entire life but she hardly ever goes outside unless she is heading from the house to car and from the car to the store, etc. She complains about her weight but does nothing to address it. I admit, I don't really know what it is like to struggle with weight but I can't understand my mom's sedentary lifestyle. As a result of years of inactivity she needs to have a double knee replacement, she can barely get around at this point. I feel bad for her but I can't help knowing that her current condition is due in part to her lifelong inactivity. She has an enormous amount of self-pity and is ordering my dad around like he is her servant, she is bitchy and rude (some of the time) and it is uncomfortable to be around. It is really, really painful to witness this, who likes to see their parents aging? It breaks my heart.

While I know she is struggling with her own serious issues, there has been NO mention of any sort of a baby related celebration. This may sound obnoxious but I really want to have a baby shower, nothing fancy, just a recognition of our new life. I have fought extremely hard to get to this place and I want to celebrate the life that we are blessed to (hopefully) bring into the world. I know my mom can't do it but my capable older sister can. My sister is a whole other story, her lack of empathy and her inability to be present for my brother when he was struggling with the loss of one of his twins is sickening. I try not to hold it against her but she acted in an incredibly selfish manner when he needed his family. My mom did say that it would be fun to throw an after the baby is born shower for me so I can get in a car with a newborn and drive six hours so everyone can meet the baby. Are you kidding me? That idea indicates that my family is NOT planning to come and meet our child after it is born, they would expect me to travel to THEM? I have gone to NJ (from Vermont) for each of my niece and nephews countless times over the years, it is time for them to reciprocate. If they do not want to then I guess they are not going to have much of a place in our child's life.

The whole situation makes me so upset. I am done traveling to NJ for the holidays, if my family is unwilling to travel to see us once in a while I guess that I won't be seeing them too often. I did make up with my mother but I still feel angry with my family, with the exception of my brother. My mother told me that I was acting selfish and started crying telling me about how much pain she was in. I felt like I was on another planet, did they not remember or care about our almost three years worth of struggle? Surgeries, miscarriage, IVFs, thyroid problems, didn't my struggle matter? Why would they not want to celebrate a potential, long-awaited. new family member? I have never felt more distant from my family, it hurts. It makes me sick, just writing this post brings up anxiety. Ugh.

My in-laws will be arriving later today, my husband hopes to talk to his mother to see if she is willing to host a small gathering for me. I feel awkward needing to ask but I want to have a shower, I want my dear friends and family who witnessed my struggle to celebrate with me. I do admit that I feel a little like a brat, "I want a baby-shower", as I stomp my feet, Am I in the wrong?

Anatomy scan

2011-11-28T19:17:00.001-05:00

Do you see that ticker over there =====> ?

It means that I am officially "trying to relax" and enjoy my pregnancy. (I've been inspired by Tippy)

For those of you who are still reading, we had our anatomy scan today. The baby I am growing looks great! It was and is so surreal, it is hard to connect what we saw on the screen to what is happening in my uterus. I do feel the little one on a pretty regular basis, lots of fluttery popping sensations, it is very cool!

I had a fairly difficult Thanksgiving which I will get into in another post. Once work starts calming down I promise to blog more frequently.

I hope you are doing well.

Oh, one last thing. My ticker says KFC's baby. That's me, sort of. My husband's last name starts with a C and I think it's fun to be KFC when I want to be.

frantic!

2011-11-16T17:22:00.001-05:00

I wish that I had more time to blog. I have things to say but I have no time. I am in the midst of coordinating a huge project at work that has me working a lot of extra hours, the last thing I want to do after a long day is get on another computer. I am stealing five minutes of time to say that my last doctor's appointment was a huge relief. It was quick and comforting, we got to hear the baby's heartbeat! I go in less than two weeks for our anatomy scan. For the moment, I feel relax-ished. How's that for a made up word? I cannot believe that I am not too far off from the half way point, it's crazy.

I hope that you are all well out there.

I'll leave you with a photo, here I am last week, somewhere around 16 weeks.

too long to wait

2011-11-07T16:15:00.005-05:00

Waiting 4 weeks between appointments just doesn't cut it. I cannot wait to go back to the Dr. next Monday. I need to know that everything is okay. Some days I wish for a doppler but I am not going to go there. I tell myself that if something were wrong, my body would let me know. While I know that isn't always true I am trying to take comfort wherever I can. I seem to be growing larger, which is somewhat reassuring, it is somewhat more difficult to hide "my condition". I don't want to hide anymore, I just want to know that all is well. I think I miscalculated on my last post, 6 days to the next u/s, 20 days to the anatomy scan. I am thankful to be really busy at work, otherwise I would be climbing the walls. The days fly by as do the weekends. Thursday marks 16 weeks. I know I sound like a broken record but I am still waiting for this to seem real. It is so weird, pregnancy after infertility.

On another note, I am thrilled that so many of my fellow bloggers have gotten their bfps! Tippy and Rebecca are both pregnant with twins!! Junebug recently brought home a beautiful baby girl, and Alex just gave birth to her lovely little girl, Congratulations ladies! Many of my favorite bloggers are also in the midst of cycling, Francie and Elaine, amongst others, I wish you all the best. CGD and Jes, who are stuck in limbo-land, my thoughts are with you, I know how hard it is to be struggling, especially in the midst of pregnancy news. I hope that we will soon be celebrating your success too!

expectations

2011-10-26T17:05:00.000-04:00

What a week it has been, I have had a bit of a scare but I don't want to putthe details out there. I'll just say it doesn't involve bleeding, cramping, ashortened cervix or any other things that would terrify me. The Dr. I saw ishopeful that things will be under control and that my uterine inhabitant shouldbe okay. Just when I was starting to relax, jeez. Sorry to be so vague. I justdon't want to put my fears to words, what can I say I am a superstitiousinfertile. I promise that I will write more about this once I know that the bubis okay.

Tomorrow is the start of the 2T! It is so crazy; I don't feel like it isreal. I cannot wait for my next u/s (18 days) and the anatomy scan (24 days)but who's counting? And those elusive movements I have read so much about,please, bring it on! We disclosed to all of the siblings this past weekend, thehubs 3 and my 2. For the most part, they were great. I told them of my mostrecent concerns but all in all everyone is hopeful for a new family member comespring.......With what seems to be the exception of my brother in law's wife.For those of you who have been reading my blog long enough you may recall howindescribably difficult it was for me when they got pregnant before us aftertrying for a month (it still makes me angry). I choked out a warm email afterfinding out, saying all the right things and continued to periodically check inon her during her pregnancy. I sent a present after his birth and played with him when I saw him, trying my best to be a good auntie. Their son is now 18 months and he is adorable,perfect actually. I don't go out of my way to engage with them but when I seethem I really do my best to put forth the effort. They live on an island thatis pain in the ass to get to so we wouldn't see them very often; it’s not as ifI avoid them.

When she first came into the family I tried really hard to connect with her,over the years she has let me down again and again. She knew I miscarried lastyear and never acknowledged it. My husband thinks that her lack ofacknowledgment is okay, after all its hard to know what to say to an infertilethat miscarries but I find it a bit upsetting, okay maybe more than a bit. I amsure she senses my reluctance and lack of enthusiasm around her son but Ireally do try when I see them. I occasionally give a "like" on FBwhen they post a cute photo but I don't comment and I don't reach out, like Isaid, I have been burned. But I really can't believe she hasn't said a wordabout my pregnancy. Her husband did ask for our address and my husband thinksthey plan to send us something but in the meantime, there is NO acknowledgment.WTF? I don't understand. Is she too self-absorbed to reach out? In the beginning,we talked about things I reached out and shared some of our struggles. Now I amfinally within reach of this really happening and there is no acknowledgment?

I blame myself. If it wasn't for my expectations this wouldn't be botheringme. In my fantasy life I could tell her what a self-absorbed person I think sheis but I would never do that. I will just continue our increasingly superficialrelationship. Christmas should be interesting this year.

getting over another hurdle

2011-10-17T17:12:00.000-04:00

This is a pregnancy post, feel free to skip it if you wish. It's a quick update on my uterine inhabitant.

Since I am not feeling particularly eloquent, allow me to do the bullet point post.

* Today was our nuchal translucency screening, it was normal!!!!!! I had the accompanying blood work but I have to wait a few days for the results. The two diagnostic tests should give us an 80(ish) percentage accuracy rate of whether or not the bub has downs or other trisomy issues. A normal screen is a good indicator that everything will be okay. (please, please, please).

*I have my second round of diagnostic blood work in 4 weeks, together, the three diagnostic screens will give us over a 90% accuracy rate of whether or not the babe is at risk.

*In 9 days I will be at the start of my SECOND trimester, holy crap!

*After those 9 days, I may start telling more people.

*I gained two pounds but I think it is because I was wearing more clothing and boots this time!

*My mfm doctor reviewed my surgical records and she thinks I can have a vaginal birth. My uterus was not cut through when my fibroid was removed and she sees no reason why I can't. She plans to consult with my surgeon since we were told I have to have a c-section.

*It looks like the fibroid I have is shrinking. Take that, douche bag!

I still can't believe this is happening. I hate the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hope the bad stuff is behind us.

When does it go away?

2011-10-07T16:15:00.000-04:00

I have been heartened by so many bloggers lately, it isreassuring to hear expressions of doubt and fear even when one is so far alongin their pregnancy. I know that sounds like I am taking pleasure in ones fear,I’m not, I am just glad to hear that I am not alone. It’s not that I live each day in fear but Icannot deny that I am still scared; I worry on a pretty regular basis. Todaymarks 11 weeks and one day, I really can’t believe it. Is there still a little life growinginside of me? Is there a strong beating heart? It seems like such a lingeringcurse, infertility. I wish I could let go and be like a clueless fertile, tellingthe world about my baby and never giving a second thought to the possibility ofsomething going wrong. Will that happenafter my 12 week scan? Once we find out that our risk for downs and otherabnormalities is extremely low (please,please,please) will I relax? I don’twant to spend the next 29 weeks doubting the reality. I want to embrace thepresent. Typically I am a glass half full kind of girl, not with pregnancy. I do hope this subsides, soon.

Aside from pregnancy, life is moving along. I have had somuch change in such a short time it is a little overwhelming at times. We movedinto our new place and have been continuing to get settled and unpack, this hasbeen the longest transition process ever, it has been over 5 weeks! Thisweekend we plan to buy some additional furniture and purge some of the crap wehave lying around out apartment. In our last place we had a huge basement tostick random stuff, something we don’t have in our new city apartment, hencethe clutter. Moving to a space without storage is a good way to make you getrid of the things you haven’t used in the last several years. I love our apartment, like the neighborhoodbut I can’t deny that I miss green, open space. I lived in Vermont for 18years, I don’t want to go back but I miss the land and my friends. Someday we will be in thecountry again, for now I am going to appreciate the convenience of the city.

9w4d update

2011-09-26T16:13:00.002-04:00

If you are in a vulnerable place, and let’s face it, many ofus are, feel free not to read my pregnancy rambles. My love and hope go out toall of my blog friends still fighting the hard fight.

This morning we had our first visit with the Maternal FetalMedicine Dr. aka, Dr. High-Risk, it feels like a really big step, we graduated!At the last appointment with our RE she asked if we wanted to transition tosomeone who specializes in high risk pregnancies. Since we do have several riskfactors (age, hypothyroid, fibroids, etc.) I decided to air on the side ofcaution and go for the “special treatment”. So we ventured into one of the bigcity hospitals this morning to meet with our new doc. Needless to say I wasNERVOUS! Last time I found out I lost my pregnancy it was at the secondultrasound after hearing the heartbeat, I tried hard to reassure myself withration and statistics but I was still afraid.

The appointment was really long, almost 2 hours. We startedwith my medical history, reviewed the medications I was taking and then movedonto an ultrasound. We were a bit nervous that we wouldn’t get to see the bub,we were in an exam room without any equipment but we were ready to push it ifneed be. When we went into the ultrasound room I was confused as to why Iwasn’t told to take off my (lucky) underwear, then I realized I was having anultrasound like you see in the movies, it wasn’t the old dildo-cam! It was amazing;really, I was having an abdominal ultrasound! The bub was there, heart beatingaway and measuring exactly as it should, 9w4d. It is still so hard to believethat this seems to be happening.

After the u/s, the hubs caught the train across town to hisoffice, I stayed for the exam; breast, pelvic, pap, fun. I gave into the pressureto get a flu shot and had about 6 different labs performed. I got a date for mynext appointment, October 17^th, by then I will be 12 and a halfweeks and I will have the preliminary screen for downs and other disorders, tosay that I won’t be terrified would be a lie. Depending upon the outcome wewould then decide whether or not we want to move forward with more invasivetests. I am really, really, really hopeful that our risk will come back low andI will be able to put some worry to bed. After that appointment, we can spillthe beans. But not on FB, fuck that, my heart has been wrenched out of my bodyone too many times on a social network.

I am feeling pretty crappy, if I don’t eat the nausea kicksin but I don’t have any appetite. I’ve actually lost a few pounds since thetransfer. I have only puked once but every day I am grateful for feeling like aturd, it is reassuring. Initially hubs didn’t seem to get why I was on thecouch every day when he got home from work, after crying and explaining howneedy I feel he has really stepped up. The emotions are pretty incredible; itseems if I can start crying over the littlest thing, so irrational. I lookforward to eventually feeling better but for now I will revel in the feelingsof sickness.

For the next three weeks I am going to try and maintain someZen. It will be good practice from now until April 30, my EDD! As we all knowit is easy to say and harder to do, I am going to try my best.

Sweet relief

2011-09-16T19:41:00.002-04:00

Taking up residence in my uterus is one sweet little bub. It's measuring ahead at 8w1d. It's got a strong heartbeat and according to the doc and the u/s technician it looks great.I am so incredibly grateful right now.

bye bye Zen

2011-09-15T10:30:00.001-04:00

So that post on wrote on Monday, yeah I don't really feel that way anymore. Anxiety has taken hold. I woke up last night in a panic, I didn't feel sick yesterday except after my morning dog walk when I drank some water, otherwise I had energy and wasn't overly tired. Are my symptoms fading? Are they less severe? I'm starting to make myself crazy. It really sucks that miscarriage and infertility can rob you of security. I would be shitting my pants if I wasn't so damn constipated. Less than 24 hours to go, I think it might be tough.

Please, please, please may this babe(s) have a strong heartbeat.

almost there

2011-09-12T15:12:00.003-04:00

It’s odd, after my last post I started to realize I didn’tmind having to wait extra-long for my first u/s. Maybe it was all of the thoughtfulcomments about how difficult the wait would be that enabled me to realize thatI wasn’t in a rush. I enjoy believingthat I am pregnant, despite feeling like crap most of the time. I want to feellike crap, it helps me to believe that I have life growing inside of me. Every daythat passes that I don’t spot or cramp is a gift. At this point ignorance trulyis bliss, at least the bliss of an infertile. I want to believe that all willbe well on Friday, it feels like it will be but many of us know that how you feeldoes not always equate to what is really going on. I have minimal worry about apossible ectopic; I think if my RE was concerned they would have had me insooner. My numbers are not erratic or abnormally high, my doctor told me shethought they were very pretty. (yay for pretty numbers!)I am scared and I imagine as the week wares onmy fear will start to consume me. I want these babies to be viable, at leastone of them.

I told my boss today. We are having a retreat on Friday andI am going to be late because of the appointment. I started off being vague about my appointment and it felt weird soI just spilled the beans. I told her an extremely abbreviated version of ourstory, letting her know that it has been really, really hard for us to conceiveand that I had a m/c last year. She was of course, incredible. She is one ofthe most nurturing people I have ever met but I had to stop her from gushing. Icouldn’t muster up much enthusiasm and told her repeatedly that I was scared.She was sympathetic and as understanding as a fertile could be. She shared herown story of her miscarriage but didn't offer any assvice worth complaining about. It felt really weird to say it out loud tosomeone but I felt that in the moment it was best to be honest (ish). So ifFriday morning goes horribly wrong and I am having a hard time someone willknow why. But, that is not going to happen. Everything is going to be justfine.

so much to say

2011-09-06T17:23:00.000-04:00

Poor Vermont, the tiny state was ravaged by Irene. There is so much devastation, it is difficult to comprehend. But Vermonters are hardy people, one needs to be to survive in the North Country, they will rebuild. I do hope that the forecasted rains do not bring additional damage, there has already been too much. Needless to say, we were unable to spend our vacation as planned; the roads to the house we rented were completely washed away. On the fly we made a plan B and salvaged our vacation. We left Vermont and spent some time in the neighboring state in the White Mountains. It was fun but not what we planned. Fortunately we had lovely weather and were both willing to go with the flow.

On Thursday evening we came back to Massachusetts before heading to NJ on Saturday, my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary on Sunday; it was an event not to be missed. It was a very fast trip but it was filled with joy. I told my brother and his wife the news, I know I will need him if anything goes wrong (please don’t!) he gets it and has been such a support for me over the past year. It was great to see everyone and hang with my little nephew, he is four months now and so much bigger than the last time I saw him. I realize I should write a post about him and his deceased sibling, I just haven’t gotten around to it.

On Friday, in between travel days, we started the process of moving into our own place! Finally! Unfortunately for the hubs, I am unable to help with anything remotely heavy. I lift some stuff but try to take it easy, it is hard to be conservative but I hope it will be well worth it. There has been so much going on I feel pretty overwhelmed, I cannot wait until all of our belongings are in one place, unfortunately it may be a few weeks until that happens. In order to get help we need to disclose why I can’t do it, which scares me. I wish I could be like a naïve fertile and announce without hesitation that we are going to have a baby but there is no way, I’ve learned the hard way that a pregnancy does not always equal a baby. We will have to tell his folks since they are the ones that will pitch in, it’s hard to move to a state where you don’t have any friends. We can’t afford to hire movers so it’s going to happen in stages. I’m not complaining, I am so grateful for our predicament but it would be nice to have something to sit on instead of the hard wood floor.

Last Friday morning I had a third beta. During my holiday I was feeling “pregnant” but when we returned home on Thursday night I started to have doubt, I started groping my boobs and worrying. I worried so much I didn’t sleep and then worried some more that I wasn’t sleeping, what happened to my tiredness? All morning long I was grumpy, I snapped (several times) at my husband and went into my strongest self-preservation mode. Before noon, early by my clinic’s standards, my doctor called. Since the call came from her I knew it was either good or bad. My levels had risen above 19,500. I didn’t write down the exact number, when I heard 19 thousand five hundred nothing else mattered. The numbers increased as they should and she gave me the option of switching from pio injections to suppositories. I know the suppositories are messy but the injections are a pain, literally. Come tomorrow if the drugs arrive I will be done with shots. Yip!

This still has not sunk in; I can’t imagine it will until after the ultrasound which isn’t until September 16!!! I have to wait almost another two weeks to find out what I am growing and if (please, please, please) it has a heartbeat(s). I am surprised it is so late since by that time I will almost be 8 weeks. I know it is out of my hands and I just have to continue to take care of myself and stay positive. It is hard, I had such an unexpected loss the last time I can’t help being afraid. I feel “pregnant”. I am not nauseous or throwing up but I am tired and napped every day while on vacation, I poop only every three or more days (ouch!) and my boobs are large, sore and really veiny. Some days I feel like crap, some days I don’t. I get headaches, have to pee a lot (at least once a night) and I am pretty thirsty. So far, so good. I am hopeful. I want this to be it. I had a lovely dream that I was playing with my sweet baby girl, it seemed so real.

vacation

2011-08-27T18:22:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow, hurricane be damned, we are headed to my first love, the Green Mountains of Vermont. We will be staying in a converted barn off the grid for a few days and plan to relax and enjoy the solitude of the 45 acres of land. Sigh.

We return on Friday for a final beta before heading to Jersey on Saturday. If all goes well an ultrasound will soon follow. I'm hoping for the best. I'm feeling a bit crappy but I appreciate of every second of it. I get pretty nervous sometimes, it's hard to believe I'm pregnant but overall I am very, very hopeful.

beta # two @ 14dp3dt

2011-08-24T13:18:00.001-04:00

Last night I was feeling pretty confident, a little scared but still hopeful. This morning when I had my blood drawn I was calm and excited, ready for some good news later today. When noon rolled around I started to feel a little bit of panic, on Monday they called me before noon, can it be bad news? 12:15 I left the office for a leisurely walk, surely the outdoors would restore my Zen. 12:45 back in the office and I am really starting to fret. I envisioned the call, “your numbers are dropping” or “your numbers haven’t rose.” My doomsday loop had started, not good. And then, the call. It was my favorite nurse telling me that my beta has risen…..ready for this?

1,299.

One thousand two hundred and ninety nine.

I asked about the possibility of an ectopic, (thanks doomsday loop) and she didn’t think I needed to worry (easy for her to say). Her hunch, twins? I am not going to freak about how we cannot afford twins, if at some point there is confirmation of two then I will worry. For now I am going to try hard to revel in the moment and stay present. It's working! After two surgeries, three IUI’s, three IVfs, a miscarriage and a chemical pg. I am pregnant. Please, please, please may this finally end with a take home baby(or two)!!

beta results.

2011-08-22T11:52:00.000-04:00

Don't worry, I won't drop the F-bomb this time.

330.

three hundred and thirty!!!!

Me, my beta is 330.

I cannot believe it.

Please, please, please may it double.

Beta eve

2011-08-21T13:05:00.000-04:00

I have a lot to say but I'm not gonna beat around the bush.

I tested this morning since I didn't want to hear the bad news alone in my office.

Almost instantly, I got a mother fucking bfp!

Woot-woot.

I know all too well that this is the first of many, many hurdles but at least we are out of the gate.

Beta tomorrow.

The end is near

2011-08-18T14:58:00.003-04:00

(Excruciating symptom minutia, feel free to skip this post)

I have no idea why this 2ww has been so excruciating. My anxiety started after the transfer and it has not abated. Every single day I obsess. What is wrong with me? Typically the first week goes by without much fuss; it’s not until the second week that I start to lose it. Three and a half more days and I will know whether or not this cycle was a bust.

I cannot say with certainty what the outcome will be, if I was to wager a bet I would stick with the old standby and put it all on a bfn. I have a few “symptoms” that can be explained away but I am still holding out hope, the closer we get the harder that may be. Every cycle I wish that I was more detailed with my observations in previous cycles, I always want to compare which can be detrimental since every cycle is different. Even when you do get pregnant or so they say.

I don’t feel like I did when I was pregnant, at least the best of my recollection. When I was briefly knocked up I hardly had any symptoms, my boobs were somewhat swollen and a little tender but nowhere near as uncomfortable as when I experienced a chemical. I have some cramping, it started on 6dp3dt and at times it was painful, it’s continued on to today, 8dp3dt. At first I thought there was no way I would start having AF symptoms at 6dpt but I have heard that the PIO can cause cramping so maybe that is what is going on, or maybe it’s AF or maybe it’s implantation and my uterus welcoming the embryos. The other “symptom” that cannot be ignored is bloating. I look as if I am four months pregnant, I kid you not. Yesterday was the worst, it hurt. It doesn’t seem like gas since I am not farting all that much; I just look fat and feel uncomfortable, really uncomfortable. My boobs are big and they seem to hurt a bit more than they were but I can’t read too much into that either. Occasionally they feel hot and tingly. Every single freaking time I go to the bathroom I feel myself up and look in the mirror to see how the veins are. Bigger? Smaller? There? Not there?

What really scares me and leads me to believe it’s a bust are the cramps. Historically, cramps=AF. I know countless women have raging cramps and end up with a bpf, please, let me join the ranks. I have read so many boards where women say they were sure they would start AF any second and they end up with take home babies. That has NEVER happened for me. Why should it this time?

I am not sleeping, I’m tired during the day but never exhausted. I have bruises on my ever-growing ass from the PIO. I had a headache on and off on 6dp3dt, prime time for implantation. I have a sore throat. I get the chills. I have a lot of discharge, is that a side effect of the PIO? I am certain I am not pregnant, well I guess there is a chance, a small chance but wait, my embryos grew multiple cells within an hour, those suckers are strong why wouldn’t they have taken root. No way, feel those cramps? You’re not pregnant, stupid, stupid girl.

As much as I am making myself crazy the BETA will spell the end of hope, or not.

6dp3dfet

2011-08-16T03:08:00.000-04:00

Did you notice the time stamp? Well, it's 2:34am. I am awake and trolling old message boards looking desperately for anything promising. Searches for 6dp3dt fet no symptoms or 6dp3dt fet cramps, yield helpful stories from 2005 of ladies who felt nothing and were shocked to get their bfps! pathetic.

If I am honest, I don't have much hope for this cycle. Shouldn't my big boobs be hurting more by now? They did the last two times I was unsuccessfully pregnant. This cycle feels as if it's destined to fail, why, I don't know. Once again I am cursed with the "looks good on paper cycle" that results in another bfn.

Right after this transfer I was so sad, I moped for the first 3 days convinced it would not work. Hope crept in for a day and a half and now it's back, the pessimism. I woke up almost an hour ago and immediately groped my swollen, not sore boobs and noticed I felt cramping. Wtf? Too late for implantation? Maybe someone from 2006 has the answer! I don't feel like I did when it temporarily worked. I have a few bouts of uncontrolled emotion, I burst into tears when an ambulance passed us on the road, who does that? Overly hormonal women desperate to get and stay knocked up, embarrassing. At least it makes me laugh when I almost immediately recognize the absurdity of my behavior.

I am about to start repeating myself with my early morning ramblings. It's probably time to
go back to sleep. The saddest thing is my dearest husband who as always, believes I'll be pregnant. It breaks my heart to disappoint him. How much longer will this continue?

FET take two

2011-08-11T12:23:00.000-04:00

No, this isn't my second FET, it is in fact the virgin FET cycle. The take two refers to blogger and how many times I tried to edit and post FET take one. In truth this post should be named FET take 64. Blogger is douchey. It's annoying me to no end, not a good idea for a gal on bedrest. Therefore I am going with the summarized version of my transfer. Typos & all, this is penned on an iPhone, no laptops allowed per clinics instructions.

3 d3 embryos thawed in hopes that one would grow out to blast and then be refrozen for next time.

1 embryo died in thaw, on par with the statistical average for loss during thaw.

I have one blast left for "insurance" which is what the dr. called it as long as it survives the thaw.

The embryos were frozen at 8 cells, one grew to 10 cells and the other to 12.

Doctor said I have "an excellent chance", whatever that is worth.

I cried at the transfer, my personal pity party in stirrups. Not fun.

This cycle feels weird, it is as unmedicated as an art cycle can get. I feel normal, no post ivf fatigue.

I feel less invested, it's hard to believe that this can result in a successful pregnancy.

But I really, really want it to.

ouch

2011-08-03T18:41:00.000-04:00

Not being around those in the prime of their fertility is good for one struggling to procreate. Obvious, huh? I didn't really appreciate the lack of breeders in my midst until this afternoon when I was hit by a unexpected pregnancy announcement of a women I just met. I stepped into a planning meeting and was introduced to a woman that I will be working with in the future. She's young, cute and very petite. And she is four months pregnant.

Her news made me sick, no joke this shit is visceral. Its as if I have ingested something toxic. I need to go run it off yet I am trying to "take it easy" in advance of next week's et. The down side of my new job? The proximity to fertiles. Today, I miss the solitude of the garden.

pleaseohpleaseletthisfetwork.

hello out there

2011-07-29T15:09:00.000-04:00

Remember me? Anyone still read this thing? I've lost a couple followers presumably for all the dead air but whatevs, blogging is about oneself, right? I have thought about shutting this blog down but I don't think I am there, yet. Although I am still struggling on what feels like a never-ending quest to grow my family I am doing pretty well living life. Blogging can be a painful reminder of what I don't have and what I desperately want. I do continue to read and send some love when I can but its mostly done from my phone which can be a pain in the ass. In case I do shut this thing down and you want to keep in touch let me know. I can come clean about who I really am and we can be friends in cyber space.

I have been at my new job for a little less than a month, I like it a lot so far, there is a big learning curve but I am reminding myself that as it takes a while to get a handle on things. My co-workers are pretty great, crisis work tends to attract my kind of peeps. Hooray! In addition, we found a great albeit expensive place to live come September. It is in the hood we most wanted to be in and we scored it by word of mouth. I am so excited to move, I cannot wait to have our own space. 2 of my3 goals have been met. The last, you know, the take-home baby, not so much. I haven't given up, in fact I am far from it but it feels like it has been FOREVER since we had a measurable statistical chance. (trying on our own doesn't really count, right)? My month off was great but it seemed like a long ass time. I have started my meds for my first (and hopefully only) FET cycle (since it is going to work). I cannot believe how little I need to do. Take pills. That's it. Until right before the transfer when I start back with the PIO.

So what brings me out of the black hole of blogging? Aside from trying to retain those of you i adore, I have a question. No one at my new office knows of my struggles, I have made a few jokes about needing to hurry up and try and have kids before I'm too old, I know, hysterical but being infertile is not a part of my new identity and I love it. If all goes well sometime next week my ice babies will be thawed and moved into their new home for the next 39 weeks (or so). Most likely I am going to need to take a day or two off work for transfer and post transfer rest. I am thinking of calling in sick but we are such a small team that I feel bad lying. Do I tell my direct supervisor the truth, a portion of the truth or stick with a made up story? I really don't want to confess my reproductive challenges but I don't want her to think I'm that person who takes advantage of sick time, I have only been there a month. What would you do? If the worst case scenario happens and I find myself starting down another fresh cycle perhaps that might be the time to share some of reproductive short comings but maybe not right off the bat? Decisions, decisions.

the tease

2011-06-23T17:30:00.000-04:00

Wow. I just erased a lengthy post. Damn it.

First of all, a big congratulations to S on her long awaited pregnancy! I am really happy for you but haven't had the energy to comment, I tried & failed & couldn't try again.

Second, please go flood dear Jes with love and support. Finally pregnant after a FET, her u/s showed an empty sac. My heart is breaking for you.

And me? Well, there is good news and bad news. First, the good. I got a full time job that I am really happy about! I start on July 5 and although I wish I could garden for a bit longer I need to do the responsible adult thing so we can finally move out of the cottage and into our own place that is not across the street from my in-laws, dear love them. I am going back to working with victims of domestic violence which I have done in several incarnations over the years, despite saying I was done. The job will allow me to hone some supervisory and administrative skills in addition to doing direct service, it seems like a good fit. At the very least, it will be a great distraction.

In addition, we have FOUR frozen embryos! I have never had a frozen embryo before so I am really excited. Three were frozen at d3 and 1 was frozen at the blast stage on d5. I am not sure why they didn't grow all of them out, I will ask my doctor when I see her on Tuesday.

And know the bad news. I am not pregnant, well technically I am but it is not viable. I am experiencing what is known as the dreaded chemical pregnancy. Allow me to elaborate, if not for your reading pleasure then for my documentation on this long and torturous journey of TTC. As the 2ww wore on I knew I was pregnant, I felt pregnant in the same ways I felt the first go round. It started with insomnia (never happened with ivf 2.0), my boobs where huge and more sore than how I experience progesterone side effects, I was often tired and I cried over anything: a cheesy, sappy movie trailer, 5 seconds of a song on the radio, daydreams of my twins at one of their weddings, yup. I had it in the bag. Or so I thought.

Then Sunday rolled around along with the mild cramps. As the day wore on, my mood plummeted and I figured I was out. My boobs were still big and sore, a "symptom" that tends to go away towards the end of the 2ww. By Monday I knew I didn't have a shot and I tested, bfn on 10dp3dt. I called my clinic and bumped up my beta by a day because I wanted it over. The next day I got a call from the doctor (Dr. V. was on vacation) and he told me my beta was 5, which is technically pregnant. He told me one of three things could be happening: a chemical pregnancy, residual hcg from my trigger 15 days earlier or I had a late implanter. He asked if I was willing to stick with (ha) the PIO for a couple of days so we can retest and be certain. I did and these last two days were the ULTIMATE MIND FUCK. It sucks and it stills sucks but hey, at least I know. Today's beta? 6. Officially a chemical. Silver lining? Implantation success (again) but most likely chromosomely abnormal embryos. FML.

I think I am in denial either or maybe it hasn't sunk in.

Don't get me wrong, I am sad and pissed off and whining about how unfair life is but I have this strange resolve. I refuse to give up. I cannot give up, I will not give up. I keep getting close, really close. I need to believe that this is the Charmed cycle (and not just the Tease) and that one of our frozen embryos will result in a take home baby. Please, any stories of FET success after failed IVFs are welcome. And if it's not, I will keep trying with my eggs for as long as I can before moving onto DE. One way or another, our family is going be larger.

I've been so reluctant to blog because I worry that the community I should feel safe in will judge me. I am afraid of others writing me off and thinking "she'll never get pregnant" when they read my blog and see my history. I don't know why because I don't feel that way when I read other's struggles. I am doing lots of projecting, quite unhealthy. I am going to try and start blogging a bit more but I think it is really great for my mental health to cut back, there is a lot more to life than IF.

Dispatch from my bed

2011-06-10T19:13:00.000-04:00

Our current clinic is about 35 minutes away without traffic, with traffic it can take much longer. When we are scheduled for morning appointments we always leave an hour in advance just in case. This morning there was no traffic and we got to the town our clinic is in fast. We decided to go to starb.ucks and get some decaf iced coffee. Sitting in the car filling my bladder and playing a game of scr.abble I was oblivious and didnt notice the woman in the car that pulled up next to me. When I looked up Dr. V. was standing at my window asking what we were doing sitting in the parking lot at Starb.ucks, too funny. She made some jokes and chatted us up despite my being flustered and forgetting how to open the window, we said we would see her in a half hour. Is it shallow that I was pleased to see that she drives a very modest car?
At the clinic we had to wait which was thoroughly unenjoyable with a full bladder. We got called in, my bladder was checked and I was told Dr. V. would be right in. As the uncomfortable moments dragged on I started to get really nervous, I was certain our embryos were sucky and they couldn't decide on the best of the worst. While waiting I was allowed to pee for a second or two because the nurse said it was gonna be a while longer. What.the.hell? Eventually Dr. V. came in to let us know the hold-up, they were having difficulty choosing the best. I knew it! They all suck!
To my great surprise the delay was due to the embryologist's difficulty choosing the best since there were so many to choose from!!!! We had multiple eight celled embryos graded at
one and they could not choose. They reviewed a time lapse video of fertilization and cell
division to determine which two would be transferred, I had no idea that such technology
existed. I could not believe what I was hearing it was such a contrast from my last cycle!
There is a good chance we may have some frozen embryos.
Transfer was easy. Our two little embryos are snuggling in. My first thought when I woke up
this morning was, I am so excited to go pick up our babies and bring them home. Who am I and
what the hell happened this cycle? Of course I KNOW that there are no guarantees. I have seen too many of you transfer perfect blasts and not get pregnant. But I am hopeful, I hope this
huge crop almost 2 years worth of cycles (23 eggs) produces a winner or three!

One last thing before I go. What was your protocol post transfer? My clinic orders easy
activity for two days, no exercise, lifting, etc. I was told I could drive Conor to the train
& I did but I worry about not laying down for 24 hours. I do think it is psychological, the
embryos can't fall out but I'm curious, what did you do?
Oh & forgive my editing & spelling, this is typed on my phone.

looking forward, looking back

2011-06-08T14:35:00.000-04:00

Hey, it's me. The sporadic blogger. This post is dedicated to stats. It may be boring so feel free to skip over the nitty gritty. Really, I don't use phrases like nitty gritty in my real life, just here where I am free to be an unabashed cheese ball.

It's hot now and sunny. Lovely really. I am recovering from yesterday's ER and I am about to walk around the block to head to the beach to relax and read. Still no full time job. Still in the garden. I worried that I cooked my eggs on Monday in advance of yesterday's retrieval. I figured all this physical labour can make us tough. Hard work will equal hard working, bad-ass eggs. I hope. We are moving forward to find a place to live, I hope I will have a full time job soon. Plan B? Get my massage therapy license here in MA. I practiced for 10 years on the side in VT, little known fact to those in blog-land.

On with the recap of my IVF cycles. There are many days when I think to myself, is this really my life? It's crazy. The longer it takes the less I can imagine a take-home baby. Do people actually get pregnant from and stay pregnant after IVF?

The Maiden Voyage aka IVF #1
September/October 2010
BCPS, Lupron & 10 (+) days on a mix of Bravelle & Menapour (or however it's spelled)
12 eggs, 8 mature, 7 fertilized
Transfer one 8 cell embryo & one seven cell embryo on d3.
BFP!
Missed miscarriage around 8.5 weeks

The Rebound aka IVF #2.0 or the do over.
February 2011
BCPS, Lupron, 11 days with 2x the amount of the same drugs.
15 eggs, 11 mature, 7 fertilized
Transfer 3 sub-par embryos: I can't even remember how many cells they were on d3.
BFN

IVF #3 I want to call this the charmed cycle but the jury is still out.
May/June 2011
BCPS, no lupron. gonal F, menapour & ganerelix.
PIO & oral estridial first time eva!
23 eggs. Wait, what? I couldn't believe it either. The doctor called me a fertile mertile but warned me that we would have a larger percentage of immature eggs. He wasn't kidding.
15 mature, 12 fertilized and 9 that look great, or so I am told. I don't know what great means but I'll take it, What other choice do I have?

I am feeling fairly disappointed. I was so impressed with my ovaries for rocking out almost TWO DOZEN eggs. And now we are down to nine. How did that happen? We still have 2 more than both previous cycles so I should be happy, right? I am scheduled for a Friday 3 d transfer. Dr. V doesn't like 5 day transfers, go figure. I am riding the ambivalence wave. I still have a hard time believing that this process can result in a lasting pregnancy. During this cycle I never asked about estrogen levels, I often forgot what CD it was and was really surprised that I was told to trigger so early. I can't think too hard about what an additional day of stims would have done, hindsight is always 20/20. My lining is the thickest it has ever been, that excites me. I haven't blogged because I haven't been thinking too much about IVF and I don't want to. Does this happen to anyone else? Please, oh please let this be the ONE!!!!!

IVF is not that difficult for me, until now. This is when the hard part begins. I am going to do everything I can to distract myself. I need to do limited amounts of lifting while in the garden and not ask to much of my body over the next 2 weeks. My body needs to focus on welcoming whatever makes it to transfer and keeping it (them) safe, healthy and strong for the long haul. Please, send me whatever positive thoughts you can spare, many thanks.

jumping ridiculous hurdles.

2011-05-20T10:43:00.001-04:00

The weather will not let up here, I know I can't really complain compared to the people that live in the flood zone in the Southern United States but come on already! It has been raining for a week and I work outside half of the time, it makes for an unpleasant gardening experience. This is supposed to be my fun part-time job summer while I continue to pursue the increasingly evasive full time job. I am getting interviews but no one wants to close the deal. If infertility has taught me anything the old try, try again approach will eventually have to pay off, right? Stay tuned on that one. Truth be told, I want to garden all summer and land the perfect job come September when we land in our perfect new place while my perfect pregnancy is progressing nicely. Here that universe? Throw me a bone, would ya please?

In the past couple weeks I have been repeating many of the tests that I already completed with my old RE. To some extent this is a good thing. things change and I want Dr. V to have the most up to date information in order for her to craft a successful cycle. What have I learned? Well, I have fibroids, again. (I have to admit this isn't the first time I learned of this, we knew of them back in VT but the indication was that they would not effect my ability to conceive) I happen to be one of the lucky women whose body likes to make fibroids, awesome huh? We went to see her after my baseline & CD3 blood work and she talked about one of those little assholes that seems to be hanging out close to the uterine cavity. Cue the tears, another surgery? What. the. fuck. Was two not enough? What is my uterus doing? Advertising for fibroids to come on down and make themselves comfortable?

For three days after our visit I vacillated between not thinking about it (denial) to being certain I was headed back to the OR. My fourth sonohystogram (I was a hot mess) showed that I am in the mother fucking clear!! The asshole fibroid is not effecting my lovely little uterine cavity. Onward to another IVF cycle! Two days later we signed the consents, I was given a date to stop the bcps (which by the way, are not making me fat! The other bcps I took made me gain weight in both my boobs and bum, not this time). All we had to do was wait for insurance approval.

That brings me up to yesterday. I was in a garden weeding a perennial bed and my phone rang. It was Dr. V and she told me she had bad news. The insurance company denied IVF. They said I needed to do 3 IUIs with injects before I would be cleared to proceed with IVF. What about the fibroid? What if it starts to grow faster and then I need surgery which would be a valid possibility. She concurred and said she thought of that too. Dr. V said she would try to fight it but that she was not having luck with our flavor of insurance. The last couple she fought for ending up waiting for THREE months before the insurance came back with another denial. We discussed the pros and cons of trying to fight the decision vs. plowing ahead with the insurance company's stupid, stupid plan. I have never done injectible IUIs, just the laughable clomid variety. 3 IUis? I wouldn't be starting IVF again until August at the earliest. I quickly made the decision to plow forward with the IUIs, it could work and gave us a better chance then trying on our own. Dr. V had an opening at 3. I would stop gardening, go home, change & shower then head to her office to figure out plan B. I had no time to process the horrible news. I had to keep it together since I was gardening alongside the home owner which was somewhat challenging. A couple hours later I got home and started to bawl. Why me? Why so many hurdles? I have been doing really well keeping IF at bay, I haven't been obsessing and I was feeling really positive about my new dr, our new protocol and our chances.

On route the see Dr. V. my phone rang, it was once again Dr. V. She told me that I should go buy myself a cup of coffee because I didn't 't need to come in. She got the insurance company to make an exception, they agreed with her logic. I pulled over, for the second time that day I was overwhelmed. The news she delivered was almost as good as a positive beta (not really but it was pretty incredible). I AM thrilled!!!! I thanked her profusely and told her how happy she made me. Her response was amazing. She told me that is what she is there for and she hopes that she can make me even happier soon. The range of yesterday's emotion was ridiculous. At the end of the day I was exhausted. I cannot believe the universe has allowed these aversions. Thank you.

I will be in bcps until Tuesday and the fun should begin by next weekend. No Lupron, short cycle. I am not going to jump back on the obsession train so I may continue to post erratically. As usual I am following and somewhat sparing with my commenting but I am with you in spirit.

Now it's back to the garden, the sun is supposed to shine today.

calling on you for support

2011-05-14T20:27:00.000-04:00

I have a crap-load of stuff to update but I am in a blogging funk. I just don't feel like articulating all that is going on. I will for documentation sake and to try to rally support for our rapidly approaching IVF cycle, please ladies I will need you.

But I am not here tonight to talk about me, I want to talk about Jen. If you don't know her blog, you should. She is one of the funniest bloggers and reading her laugh-out-loud posts inspired me to blog, I had never encountered someone talking about infertility in such an amusing way before. I urge you to read her archives, it is some funny shit! If you don't know her story (and I suspect most of you do) I will give you the much abbreviated version: She has a little beauty, Oliva, born from her 2nd ivf cycle. She was pregnant with identical twins from a FET and gave birth at 32 weeks. Evelyn, her "hog baby" in an unbelievably sad and unexpected turn of events was born still. Ainsley, her tiny sister has been in the NICU since she came into the world back in December. Jen and her husband have spent the past five months trekking back and forth between the NICU and the rest of their busy lives including working full time and raising their toddler. Ainsley is a strong little girl and has been through more than enough drama for a little person. Despite the fact that I have never met Jen and her family, I think about them often (as I do many of you too). A real life friend is hosting a fundraiser on the family's behalf and I want to urge you to check it out and show them some love and support.

Here is a link to the donation page.

faith

2011-05-03T11:09:00.000-04:00

When I was growing up I had to attend church every Sunday. I didn't enjoy it, I found it boring, stale and a bit scary. Being taught to believe that GOD was watching me gave me the creeps, did this guy in the sky really see everything I did and hear everything I said? If so, I was most certainly fucked. As I aged and began to form my own opinions about the world and my place in it the church held less and less sway for me. I remember coming home from college and witnessing many of my friends embracing the church, it baffled me, those people didn't go to church every Sunday why the switch? Was it tradition? Was it cultural? Or did they really believe in what the church preached? Personally, I felt more disconnected and certain that I did not agree with many of the church's teachings, Catholicism was not for me.

Certain that I made a sound decision to become a ex-catholic, I envied those around me who could embrace the church and the notion of god. Loads of people seemed to have blind faith and from an outsiders perspective it was confusing but it did seem so comforting and safe. The concept of knowing that whatever you did GOD would be there to forgive you and protect you was an amazing concept that did not work for me. I just didn't buy it. If there is a GOD, how could he answer every one's prayers? Does he really give a shit who wins a football game? And if so, how could he let children die a premature death and allow countless other atrocities to unfold? How does once make peace with such striking injustices? I guess I would know the answer if I was bestowed with faith.

I wouldn't call myself an atheist, I prefer the insurance of being an agnostic. Pretending to have faith would be just that, pretending. I am comfortable with my choice, and I believe my religious views will continue to evolve. I realized the other day that my quest to become a mother is akin to faith. For some unexplained reason I believe I will have a baby. Am I ignoring the odds that are stacking up against me? Why would the third IVF bring success when the others have not? The fourth? Is it my faith in my body and the universe that will eventually bring me our baby or is it denial in the alternative? Whatever the reason, I cannot explain it and I recognize that I am experiencing what it means to have faith. It feels good and a little delusional but I cannot help believing.

Gearing up for the "charmed" cycle.

2011-04-28T15:25:00.001-04:00

As the days pass I experience so many blog worthy events but despite having ample time on my hands I don't seem to have time to blog. Easter, a holiday my husband Conor (that is his real name, gasp) and I have never recognized in our soon to be 15 year relationship was forcibly recognized this year because we live across the street from his parents. Both of his brothers came to visit and it made us both sad although I didn't know he was sad until after the fact. C's younger brother has an adorable one year old and he is the apple of his parent's and grandparent's eye. We had to endure the gushing, the staring and the complete and utter fascination with EVERYTHING this amazing little boy did. It hurt. A lot. I think I did a pretty good job feigning interest and no one could detect the internal agony being around them caused. It sent me into a day or two of self pity and anger. I cried in the shower and cursed my stupid, arduous path to potential parenthood (god willing). All of the too familiar feelings came up but I would rather spare us (that's you and me) because like a good infertile I am putting one foot in front of the other and not wasting energy on what I cannot change.

On the 3rd times a charm IVF schedule I am waiting for my period to start and I will head in for cd3 blood work and start bcps. I am not 100% that it will be a go just yet, I have an appointment scheduled for next Thursday where we will review the results of all of the new testing we have done (and will do). I need to have yet another sonohystogram and an additional blood draw on cd10. I had two blood draws thus far, one last week (the hormone levels looked good) and a retest for all the scary autoimmune disorders that got lost in the medical records shuffle (annoying). C. had another SA yesterday and we have to wait until next week for the results, it should be fine as his sperm had fertilized over a dozen eggs so far. Hopefully when we see Dr. V. we will find out what the protocol will be. She mentioned an antagonist protocol which she referred to as the "Tony Soprano" approach. I have no idea what that will entail but I believe it eliminates Lupron. IMO, the shorter the cycle the better.

I am afraid to think this cycle through. As per usual I want to try and be as Zen as possible and take each step one at a time. I am going to download the C+B series (they are having a sale for NIAW) and do whatever I can to support my mental and physical health. Last time around I really half-assed the complementary medicine component. I cannot believe we are going to do this AGAIN. I wish we could just have sex like the vast majority of people on the planet and get knocked up. Its soooo unfair!!! Oh, sorry. I said I wouldn't start with the self-pity. I guess I can't help myself. Infertility sucks.

the bullet point update

2011-04-19T16:06:00.001-04:00

* I suck at blogging, I sort-of suck at commenting but not as much as I do at blogging.

* I was almost done with this post and it got erased. Fucking computer.

* When I got to my office this morning a police car was blocking the outgoing traffic. Rumor was that there was a man with a rifle in the mall next door. Helicopters were circling overhead. Our building went into lock down. A swat team was called in. Turns out the rifle was an umbrella. Funny.

* My birthday was good. It was sunny and warm. I ran, took my dog for a walk, shopped with my mother in law, ate ice cream, and went out to a good dinner in Boston. I didn't feel sad.

* I am still looking for a job. It blows. It has only been about 6 weeks but I hate rejection. I am grateful for my part-time job. I am going to start working for my mother-in-laws friend gardening for rich people. I am looking forward to being outside and being able to save money while we live rent free.

* I got my medical records from Vermont. They made me feel sad and anxious when I read through them.

* I feel incredibly blessed to live in MA. The Massachusetts Infertility Mandate rocks my world. We are covered. Fully. No joke. If money was a barrier we would have to give up. I am incredibly grateful.

* I went to a group for fertility support. I met women in person who are struggling with trying to conceive. They were smart and friendly and we could relate to each other. It was terrific. I dragged my feet about going, I am glad I did. We have already been in contact with one another. I want to make friends and hope this is a good start.

* We met with our new dr. today. Dr. V. She is no nonsense. She is smart and has a bit of an ego. I like it, she wants to be the best. The options for infertility treatment are vastly different here than they were in Vermont. In MA, we have a choice of 7 clinics within an hour or so (that are covered by insurance), and they all strive to be the best. It is good for the patient. In Vermont there was only one shop in town and by town I mean the entire state. I am going to be retested for the standard things and have to have a few additional repeat tests since they weren't contained within my records. She told me not to loose weight even though I would like to. She told me to start taking vitamin D, calcium and pre natals (i stopped because I figured what's the point). I am going back tomorrow for a baseline ultrasound and blood work, I wasn't expecting that. I can start bcps when I get my next period in a couple of weeks. I told her I was 4 days late last month and she said in a very matter of fact way that I was probably pregnant (chemical), its funny because I thought so too.

* We might start another cycle in less than 2 weeks.

* I am going to find a way to do the mind/body program that is offered in conjunction with IVF, I need to stay sane.

* Our self-imposed break has been good. I feel less obsessed. I am enjoying life child-free.

April, already?

2011-04-05T15:07:00.000-04:00

Another birthday is quickly approaching. I do not feel like celebrating. But I must, right? Despite the fact that I have been dealing with the shit-show of infertility, I am still alive and healthy. My brother's bought with serious illness has instilled the "be thankful" gene and although it makes some of you pukey, I tend to be a glass half full kind-of gal. So next Monday, I will be relishing in the attention that turning another year older begets.

My first cycle after my failed ivf has come and gone. I didn't take my temperature, use OPK's or have timed sex, no pre-natals either. I ran 3-4 times a week and my alcohol consumption matched or surpassed my running. It was relatively stress free until the end when I was FOUR days late. I am never late, well, I guess I can't say that anymore. Yes, being the glass half full kind of girl I thought that maybe I was going to achieve urban legend status but that isn't happening. Sunday, the day I vowed I would test if my period didn't show was cd1. I had no spotting (a bonus) and I am confident I ovulated because I had ample CM. A couple days before I started to bleed, I found myself in places that sell HPTs. I looked at them for a long while but refused to succumb, why spend money on something that my body would eventually tell me for free?

So another month along with another year has elapsed and no take-home baby to show for it. I made an appointment with a new RE. I went with a clinic that wasn't even on my radar screen until my new pcp recommended the place. I met with her yesterday which I needed to do in order to get a referral and told her I was infertile. Her reply, "well, so far". Interesting. I'll take it. Two weeks from today I should have a plan in place. I cannot continue to do this for another year.

the reset button

2011-03-22T20:03:00.001-04:00

I have a feeling this post is going to be all over the place. I have been struggling to blog and struggling even harder to comment. I am reading along but I don't have much to say. I am at a baby-making standstill and everyone else is moving forward, either cycling or pregnant, or so it seems. I don't want my thoughts to come off as insincere so instead I am silent, sorry.

This morning I had a meeting with two of my new coworkers, they are both moms and one of them brought along her 9 month old baby. Towards the end of our meeting, the other co-workers niece showed up with her two month old baby, it was a regular breeders paradise. You think this would make me crazy upset but it didn't. Neither baby was particularly cute which may have had something to do with it (come on, you already know I am a bitch) but it was just.....normal. I interacted with the older baby, I liked it but it didn't make me feel bitter nor did I ache. Neither of these women know my history, for all they know I may have kids already or may never want them. Unless of course there is some secret motherhood code that is unspoken in that case there is no denying that I am child-free. I was happily surprised at how my outing with babes made me feel. I didn't want to run to the car and cry, instead I felt introspective and it wasn't a bad thing.

As difficult as this move has been, I am lonely and desperately seeking full-time employment, it is kind-of like starting over. Sure I have a shitload of baggage but no one here knows. I don't have to deal with people worrying about trying to protect me from others pregnancies and children, the women I met with today treated me like I was normal. I feel like all of my old friends worry about telling me who is pregnant and who gave birth, they want to shield me and that makes me feel like shit. Am I so vulnerable that people don't want to share good news? I have seen no less than 5 pregnancy announcements on facebook as of late, and that makes me ache particularly because they are all due around the time I should have been. But do you know what feels worse? The fact that our mutual friends knew and chose not to tell me. It seems like you can't win being an infertile, either your pissed off by others insensitivity or you are shielded and left out, they both feel awful. Yet another reason that I am happily setting my reset button.

I am considering this time as my do-over. I have opportunities that I didn't have when I was back in little, lovely Vermont. I am going to find a new RE, make new friends and find another job. I don't want to loose my old friends, just some of the ugly baggage that comes with relationships and IF. I have an appointment on April 4th with my new primary care physician who I need to see in order to get a referral to an IVF clinic. My new insurance card came in the mail yesterday and hopefully I will be back cycling in a short time. I have joined an infertility meetup group and have already contacted local women who can share their experiences with local docs. I am leaning towards Mass General but it is not set in stone. Its sad that I have no faith in all of the every-other-day sex I have been having.

the twins

2011-03-14T17:57:00.001-04:00

I moved from the mountains to the ocean. The verdict is still out on which I prefer but if I was to wager a bet I am certain it would be the mountains. I love the water and the calming effects it seems to have on life but there is only so much you can do with the water. The mountains are desolate and solitary, the possibilities are numerous. Trees make me feel calm and embraced. The beach is crowded, except for this time of year which is why it isn't such an obvious choice. I am wondering what the pull of the ocean and tides will do to my cycle. Right out our back door there is a cove where the tide comes in and out, it is lovely to witness the transition. It feels good to be off hormones, to be having sex when I want to and not obsessing about my cycle. On the flip side, I want to try again. I need to be patient and embrace the days as is.

Well, enough about me.

I spoke to my brother over the weekend. His wife is pregnant, 29 weeks with twins, a result of their first IVF. For those of you who don't know, one of those two little boys (that they were originally told were a boy and a girl) is not going to be able to live a life outside of his mother's uterus. At 20 weeks my brother mentioned in passing that something might be wrong with one of the babies. As the weeks wore on it was evident that the baby had suffered a life threatening one-in-a-million event. The belief is that his intestines or colon ruptured and caused his little body to fill up with fluid: his brain, the place where his lungs should have developed, everywhere. His heart slowed and they were told they would loose him at any moment. Weeks went by waiting on pins and needles, his heart sped up and they hoped for a miracle. Maybe, could it be? He seemed to be defying the odds, continuing to live when it seemed evident that he would die.

He finally gave up the fight, they lost their son on Tuesday after 9 agonizing weeks. I cannot begin to imagine how conflicted they must feel. How incredibly exhausted they are. My heart aches for them. Despite their loss, they are still blessed with a healthy little one that seems to be developing on schedule. I feel terrible for my SIL. One imagines pregnancy to be a special time filled with hope and thoughts of the future. For her it is fraught with anxiety and way too many doctors appointments. My mom had to plan a funeral, the alternative would be to have their son thrown out with the medical waste. There will not be a baby shower. After struggling with infertility, pregnancy should be uneventful, normal. This event solidifies the unfair randomness of life.

I am far away from them. I want to respect their space but I need them to know that I am there for them. I sent them a small package a couple of weeks back, hoping it would convey my love and support. They have shut themselves off, I don't blame them, I tend to do the same. Well intentioned people inevitably say or do the wrong thing. Through all of my brother's struggles he has been an amazing support to me. I know of no other person in my life who thoroughly understands what we are going through. He says all of the right things with conviction. Hearing him tell me to stay positive and persevere because he knows we will make great parents brings tears to my eyes. I am blessed to have such an amazing person as a sibling. I know that he will be a great dad. Now if the other little one will only stay in utero for as long as possible.

being rude gets you places

2011-03-10T15:34:00.000-05:00

Apparently all it takes is a little obnoxiousness to get the RE to call you back. Perhaps the "i know I'm not pregnant but at least someone can call me back" routine helped, my RE called me this afternoon. Her assessment as to why the cycle failed? The old "bad-luck" POV. There is nothing glaringly wrong with how I cycled, I produced a few more eggs this time around which resulted in a lower quality of embryos so perhaps a lower dose of stims is the way to go. Who knows? It is all a bit of a gamble. The bad-luck explanation is a frustrating one but I think (hope) it might be valid. I am not surprised my cycle resulted in a bfn, the embryos were not great. Why? We don't know.

Could I have an egg quality issue all of a sudden? When reviewing my data it looks as if I have the "typical eggs of a 36 year old", not great but not terrible. Nothing from the embryologist indicates anything to the contrary, phew. The last thing I need is another problem.

What about karyotyoing? Sure, I can go ahead and have it done but apparently less than 1% of the population has an issue. I will be sure to ask whomever we end up working with about it. She believes I can conceive and sees no reason no to go around again if I can physically and emotionally handle it. I can and will, I just wish I knew when and how this would end.

Try, try again?

Sure, I guess. Hubs made the call to the insurance company today. We are covered. All we need is a referral and we have 7 clinics to choose from. I don't know the specifics yet but I am relieved. Despite my morning hysterics about being Massachusetts, maybe some good will come from it. When the irrational me steps aside, I am grateful once again to have access to reproductive medicine.

In the mean time I am a running, job searching fool who weighs four pounds less than I did last week.

fear of the unknown

2011-03-09T13:01:00.000-05:00

One of my dear friends, the only one IRL (in real life) who reads my blog, is friends with the head embryologists at a big IVF clinic. (Hi M)! She has shared my story with her friend and has invited me to communicate with her which I have. I am fortunate to have the ear of someone on the inside but to be honest, it is scaring the shit out of me. The "insider" is kind and knowledgeable, she has strongly recommended Brigham and Womens IVF clinic here in Boston, but has said I wouldn't go wrong if I opted for Boston IVF or Mass General. Decisions, decisions. Any of you baystate ladies with opinions, PLEASE share!!

The insider has not seem my records and does not claim to be a doctor but her thoughts scare me. First off, she suggested that both my husband and I get karyotyping testing done. I have never heard of this, and I am not an newbie in the land of IF. Has anyone else done this? Tests terrify me because I do not want to find out something else is wrong. If we do in fact have a chromosomal problem it seems like PGD is the way to go which seems scary and overwhelming at the moment. Why wouldn't my VT RE recomend this type of testing? We did all of the auto-immune testing and it was all negative, thank god, But why not do every possible test under the sun? Yes, I know I am saying I don't want to test only to say that I should in the next sentence, it makes me feel a little insane.

She also wants to know when I last had an hsg to check out my uterus to make sure that any new fibroids that have cropped up aren't impinging upon the uterine cavity. I haven't had an hsg since May of 09, and the OB that did it never even noticed the fibroid. I have had multiple sonohystograms since my surgery, one before the last IVF cycle and I was assured that my uterine cavity was a-ok. Am I going to have to have another hsg?

The bottom line is that I need to have my WTF with my RE asap. I called her today, she was on vacation last week when I got my negative beta but how long do I need to wait before I hear from her? I don't know if she is back yet but I don't want to feel like they don't give a shit about me since I am not pregnant. Not cool. Two nurses told me last week they would see if she would be willing to do a phone consult but I haven't heard back. Maybe she is still out? I wanted to give them a few days to get back to me but it is Wednesday. I plan to call everyday until someone tells me what is going on. I am SO anxious to book my consult at a clinic, I have my current insurance for the next few weeks before I switch to hub's coverage. I guess I will have to figure out which clinic takes our insurance. I am overwhelmed by choice and stats.

I just wish this was easier.

oh hello bitterness

2011-03-07T17:01:00.000-05:00

The bitterness is back. If you are currently pregnant or already blessed with the miracle of life this post probably isn't for you. I'm serious. I love my friends with children and am really happy for my IF sisters who are rapidly leaving me behind but I need to vent and this is my safe space. So, see you next time, hopefully? Otherwise, stay tuned for an ugly-hate filled post. Serious. you've been warned.

It is happening again the silent "fuck you" that I utter to myself every time I see a breeder with her stupid fucking stomach that she insists on showing off. Why can't you just stay home or only go to those places where only breeders are allowed, like playgrounds or baby shops? Oh right, they don't exist, breeders are EVERYWHERE!!! And the ones with their babies already on the outside? I silently judge them in a vain attempt to make myself feel better. Does it help? No way, not one bit. In fact, I feel worse about myself for having such irrational hate for innocent woman and children. I loathe the ugliness that accompanies feeling like a failure. I don't really hate pregnant woman and their adorable little crotch droppings, I just need a momentary respite from seeing what is shoved down my throat every where I fucking look. It is so unfair. Why can't I be one of those assholes?

This morning I stopped for coffee and a mom with her darling little daughter were on line in front of me in close proximity. I quickly surmised the mother must be a bad one, shouldn't she be breast feeding and not drinking coffee, idiot. The daughter was delicious, she had huge pretty eyes and was staring and pointing at stupid shit only a toddler would care about, eliciting kisses and cuddles from her mom, barf. I almost threw up on their backs. I didn't acknowledge them, I stewed bitterly looking at the babe's adorable little hands and wondered if I will ever have a little human to love. Today, it feels like the answer is no.

I can't wait until the bitterness subsides, at the moment it is at it's height. Can I blame it on the hormones?

the day after

2011-03-04T17:59:00.000-05:00

My natural tendency is to move on. Sure I grieve and cry, a lot but I hate to dwell. I am not sure if this is the healthiest thing but it is how I roll. It is innate, like breathing. There has been and will continue to be tears but I need to keep looking forward and stay present at the same time. Easier said than done. My desire to MOVE. FORWARD. NOW. must be suppressed. Besides, my infertility benefits under my cobra coverage from my last job are near the max. We will have to wait until I either get on hubs insurance or get a full time job whichever comes first. The full time job thing blows. Everyday I try to make a little more progress but it isn't easy. This week despite my bffn, I met with a career specialist (for free, hooray, thank you networking), signed up for a meetup for non-profit professionals, applied for one job and updated my linked in profile. If only I could dedicate as much energy to the job search as I do to thinking about trying to conceive, I probably would be working full time by now. Not that I am not proud of what I have done, I just need to do more. I have been in Mass just shy of 2 months and the first month I spent a bulk of my time traveling back and forth to Vermont. Slow and steady. that is what is has to be. In more avenues then one I guess.

As much as a bfn sucks, I am not surprised. I am anxious to talk with my doctor, I am hoping she will do a phone consult so hubs and I don't have to truck back to VT. Besides, he has a huge project at work that will equal tons of overtime and he won't be able to miss an entire day. Once we do the WTF talk, I will have my records sent to the big Boston clinic. There is a lot of choice around here and most reviews give this clinic good reviews. No place will be perfect and it is easy to find flaws when you are dealing with such a high stakes issue. The VT clinic had several but we choose to let them go, cuz really, what are you going to do? I spoke with someone at the big clinic today. I am deciding on which doctor to pick. It is such a different world than the VT clinic. There are two docs in the running: one was suggested by the person who I spoke with on the phone when I briefly explained what I like in a doctor but the other one's profile indicated that his speciality was working with couples who have had failed IVF cycles, attractive. I don't have to decide today, I'll show hubs their blurbs and videos and make an appointment for the end of the month.

I went running again today, almost 4 miles. I am looking forward to working hard at something and having it work. During my run I realized that March of last year is when all of the hard stuff began. I had my lap in March, the robotic myomectomy in May, a failed IUI/clomid cycle in July, our dog died in September, IVF #1 in October, miscarriage in November, subsequently followed by one of my "best" friends totally breaking my heart in the midst of it, and topped off by yesterdays shit show! Damn, the past year sucked. I tried to think about the highlights. They were few and far between. But they happened. It is the little things, right? Alas, self-pity is not my style. The only way we are gonna make our take home baby is to move forward. And don't tell me how strong I am because all of you are too. It is what we do us infertiles do. We move on.

And here they are, the last years highlights in photographic form:

That is me on the right and two of my favourite British nieces and my most fab SIL. when they came to visit us in Vermont.

A small corner of my garden in the early stages. I grew some kick-ass garlic that we are still enjoying.

Check out some of my loot: garlic, tomatoes & flowers. At least I can keep something alive.

This is our late beloved girl Osa, and it was fun to make fresh pasta.

And here is browndog, I opened my eyes to find her like this in bed, under the covers with her head on the pillow. This is for you, Jes.

Last but certainly most important, the hubs. Browndog fell asleep like this. I hope he doesn't mind his photo being here.

the second time around was NOT so much better.

2011-03-03T15:58:00.000-05:00

Do you know that stupid. fucking. song?

Guess what, I am not pregnant. Instead I am sad, really sad. I can't say I am surprised, my embryos were shitty. I didn't even have one 8 cell on day three. I think I might have had the pity ET. Last time I had an 8 cell and a seven cell, neither were perfect but one of them implanted and lived inside of me for 8 and a half weeks before dying. Infertility is so horrible. I hate this ridiculousness. How much longer do I have to stay on this mother fucking journey? I don't want to get off the path, not yet. I want my precious take home baby. I want my beloved to be a daddy. Why does it have to be so unfair?

I guess I can say I have been through everything now, lucky me. I don't want the infertile veterans badge. I want t a baby. Two surgeries, 3 clomid IUI's. 1 successful IVF only to result in a m/c and now a bit fat negative post ivf 2.o. What is it going to take? I don't want to give up. No doctor has ever told me that I cannot get pregnant, in fact I have been told the opposite. I know ivfs can fail but I was just hoping it wouldn't. In the middle of the 2ww I was so convinced I was pregnant. I didn't let on. I guess it really was the case of seeing what I expected to see based on my last cycle.

I started spotting last night and I admitted the "deep feeling of heaviness in my ute" was its attempt to start shedding its lining. But no, can't stop the progesterone until the shit-fuck beta test comes back. (how is that for articulate)? I called the nurse, told her I was spotting and that an hpt told me I wasn't pregnant. She proceeded to tell me that lots of women think they are having a normal period only to get their beta results and find out they are indeed pregnant, bitch please. Allow me to stop shoving the suppositories up my vag and give me the go ahead to have a beer or many beers. So here I sit crying intermittently waiting for the call that says, sorry, your levels are at zero.

I do know that I need a break. In hindsight I should have taken a longer break between ivf #1, the m/c and ivf #2. I really don't have much of a choice in the matter anyway. We need good insurance. I can get it through my husbands job in April and pay out the ass for it or I can continue my job search and find something full time with benefits and pray that infertility coverage is mandatory like Mass law requires. Hubs insurance does have coverage so worst case scenario I will get on it.

I am excited (?) well, not really but I gotta look on the bright side, for a break. I am ready to have a few months of drug free cycles and sex. Infertility sucks the fun and frequency out of your sex life. I want to not give a shit about CM, temperature. acupuncture, positive thinking. I want to let it go, for a while. I went for a run this morning, not far maybe 2.5 miles. I am fat and out of shape. It wasn't very comfortable at times but I need to start running again. Running makes me feel good about myself. I used to be the runner, fit and strong. Now I just feel like an aging infertile. I am planning to loose 10 maybe 15 pounds in the next few months. I need to practice patience. I can't help but want to rush to the next cycle asap, but it is not an option at this point.

As much as I loved my RE in Vermont, I am excited (again with that word) to move to a new clinic. A larger, more experienced clinic with varying protocols. I am researching the ones in the Boston area, choice. wow! If any of you have experience with the IVF clinics round these parts please let me know.

Part of me felt embarrassed to share this news. I hate being left behind, we have been doing this for over 2 years. I am getting older. My goal was baby #1 by 35 and baby #2 by 38. I am closing in on 37. I hope baby #1 can make it here before I hit 38. I appreciate all your love and support. I am now trolling for blogs who have had success after multiple ivfs. It is so important to feel like I am not a freak of nature who can't do the one thing that everyone SHOULD be able to.

Oh, fuck my life. I cannot wait for this infertility crap to be behind us. I want my take home baby.

the end of the 2ww meltdown.

2011-03-02T15:23:00.004-05:00

It happened with round one and it is happening again. Ugh. I *might* test tonight but I am scared, scared, scared. I am 10dp3dt and it if there is only one line it is unlikely that I could be pregnant, there should be some hcg floating around in my blood by now, right? A huge part of me wants this to be over but I am afraid of the absence of hope.

It doesn't help that I don't have a lot going on at my part time job. I had a meeting set up with a career counselor at a university where my sister in law teaches this morning. I was really excited because she is offering me her services for free. After waking up at four am (to pee) and not being able to get back to sleep (again) I started freaking out feeling like I was cramping. What is up with that? Either I'm cramping or I'm not. Needless to say I am PREOCCUPIED. I drove the hour to meet her this morning and when she came down from her office she told me I had the wrong day, we were supposed to meet tomorrow. Embarrassing. If I wasn't obsessing about ivf I wouldn't have fucked up the dates. Fortunately she had free time and laughed it off. My brain is so focused on every little sign my body is giving me. Not good.

All of this drama just lead to the most emotionally charged purchase I have ever made. I thought the hoody from Patagonia at the start of this cycle was silly but it was on sale and I have worn it almost everyday since I got it. Today I went to Anthrop.olgie on my lunch break, I adore that over-priced store! Part of my motivation was to check out my boobs in the dressing room mirror, yes, I have no shame. Honestly, the boob check was 85% the reason I went in. I walked out with two cute things: An adorable shirt that could accommodate me well into my pregnancy, how's that for hopeful? And a cute cardigan with really cool buttons and large knitted flowers, totally unnecessary but it gave me a jolt of happiness in what has otherwise been a day of obsession. Good thing I only have a part time job to afford these unnecessary purchases!

Now onto the reasons I have no idea what to expect on Friday:

I have a heavy feeling in my ute that started early this morning. I vacillate between thinking it is pms cramps to hoping it my uterus making the embryo(s) comfy. It doesn't feel like cramps per say but I haven't had a natural period since August so my memory may be failing.
My boobs are huge, but not sore, at least not all the time.
My boobs are sporting some serious veins. This happened last time and although all of them did not vanish after the m/c they now seem more numerous & pronounced (especially in the dressing room)
Moderate thirst, it's not as bad as last time but I can never quite quench it.
Disinterest in food (happened last time)
Bloat. It came back today with a vengeance, it was never totally gone but today, wow.
2 days of headache (again with the last time)
Constipation.
Disbelief that I am with child. Can it happen twice in a row? I can't imagine that.
Getting up in the middle of the night at least once to pee

For most of the 2ww I was really positive, secretly I thought it worked. My body seemed to be repeating a lot of what I experienced the first go around. Now I am much less confident. If I am being honest I would probably say that I am out and that my little fighters didn't make it. I am terrified of letting go of the hope. I want those little ones to make it.

I'm off to go even more crazy. At least I'm not Charlie Sheen. Have you seen the guy? Amazing, really. It is like watching a train-wreck.

Bat-shit crazy!

2011-02-27T17:55:00.002-05:00

What does the term "bat-shit crazy" mean and where does it come from? I should look it up on wikop.edia or urban dictionary, be right back.

According to Urban Dictionary: Bat-shit crazy is to act in a generally insane manner; Tom Cruise.When Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch, it proved he was bat-shit crazy. There are other definitions but I like the Tom Cruise reference. Don't know where it originated but I think it generally fits the 2ww nicely.

Although I want it over, I like holding onto to hope. The fact is I am terrified for my beta. I will most likely test the morning of just so I can be prepared for the phone call. Hour to hour my thought process changes, sometimes I am certain I am pregnant and other times I am certain I am not. Honestly I have no idea. Last time around the first indicator I had that something was happening was some serious veiny boobs. The veins are pretty prominent now but they never totally went away since the m/c. Are they darker? I guess it depends upon the light so I can't be sure, therefore it is an inconclusive sign. It doesn't stop me from staring at them in every possible mirror in the house in every type of light; morning, mid-day, evening, gentle lighting, florescent, I got it covered. They are swollen and a bit sore (like last time) and after a couple of hours they need to be free of my too-tight bra. (groping them all the time doesn't help) The crappy thing is that this can be caused by every infertiles friend, progesterone.

A few other indicators from last time? On Saturday or Sunday after my transfer (both where on a Sunday) I started to get chapped lips and days later developed a pretty insatiable thirst. I am sporting some chapped lips now but it's cold and dry so it can easily be a coincidence. Overall, I am thirsty but not parched like last time, but it is still early. Now onto my enormous belly. If Lisa at Wanna be Momma has something with the lasting bloat then I got this in the bag. My stomach isn't painfully bloated like I wrote about in my last post (which happened to sport a belly-shot) but it is still pretty large. I don't remember what it was like last time. Again, inconclusive. Lastly, my favorite, cramping. I had some light cramping for the first three days after transfer and then on Friday I felt some deep, stabby cramps in my ute, one can hope it was implementation but who knows? The cramps have subsided but occasionally my uterus makes itself known.

This is so difficult. My husband said to me that it seemed as if I was convinced I was pregnant. I sat with his words for a while but then I had to clarify that I really have no idea. You have to proceed as if you are: no shoveling, no booze and some extra organic beef for this occasional meat eater. And I am still talking to my embryos. A week from now my betas may be over. What will be happening? Will I be drowning my sorrows with drink or anticipating a whole other set of hurdles?

In the mean time I'll continue to hydrate and keep occupied and try not go too bat-shit crazy in the process.

3dp3dt

2011-02-23T17:26:00.000-05:00

Remember yesterday's idea about a "symptom" watch? Well, I think the more appropriate name would be "side effect" watch from all the IVF drugs coursing through my body.

Sore boobs, check.

Tiredness, check.

Crampy uterus, check.

The most enormous bloated belly evah? Check!!!

My belly is so huge I started to think I have a slight case of ohss. I called the nurse but I don't seem to have the other classic symptoms. My belly is usually pretty flat, I carry my excess weight in my ass & legs. I am typically at a healthy weight for my height of 5'9. I am telling you this because when you look at the picture below, I need you to know it is far from normal, holy shit! Anyone else have this happen?

Can you tell how enormous I am? I can't wait until I look this way because of a baby, not drugs.

here we go again

2011-02-22T10:42:00.000-05:00

And this time, I have far fewer distractions. Yikes! I guess my part-time job is going to be looking for another part time (or full time) job. Finally, after moving to Massachusetts mid-January I am finally ready to commence a serious job search. I am fortunate to have a part time job that helps me to pay my bills and save a little but if we hope to move out of my in-laws cottage any time soon, I will need to be making some more cash. Besides if this IVF cycle doesn't work out I would like to get a job with benefits rather than have us pay to be on hubs insurance. The silver lining? We now live in a state with mandated IF coverage. Woot! Woot! So if these little fighters don't make it we can try, try again. Joy! (can you infer that joy is dripping with sarcasm, no? Well, it is).

Always vital to have the plan b c.

As suspected, we had a day 3 transfer, again. I was not disappointed until I heard about my little embies. They are sub-par. Last time around they were also sub-par, and from what I've read perfect embryos are hard to come by. I have also learned from this community that perfect embryos do not always equal pregnancy, strange. It is so crazy this IVF bullshit, as much as we know, there is still so much that is unknown. After googling about 900 times, I have read over and over again that imperfect embryos can make perfect babies! That is what google says so it has to be true! Besides, my RE told me the same thing and so did the embryologist, and I think it would be unethical for them to blow smoke up my ass, or in this case, my vagina. Get this, because of my age (36), my prior m/c after ivf, and the embryo quality I am PUPO with triplets!! Although the RE said she can never say never, the likelihood of having triplets is slim, slim, slim, as in no fucking way! But, I am rooting for these little guys. I am feeling confident that at least one of them is a fighter!! It is the only option at this point. We have done the best we can, it is out of our hands. I refuse to think about why these embies were somewhat slow-growing. My RE told me that it has been determined that slow growers tend to be girls. Interesting. Besides, we are unable to see the "quality" of embryos that result in healthy babies in a non-IVF cycle, so we don't know if those are indeed "perfect". It is somewhat illogical. How can you transfer perfect blasts and get a bfn? How can an "imperfect" day 3t lead to a healthy pregnancy? How does this happen?

Phew, that was a lot of justification and rambling.

So I am embarking on another 2ww. It is 2dp3dt. After driving home from Vermont on Sunday (3 and a half hours) I went straight to the bed where I stayed for the last 36 hours. On day one I got up to go to the bathroom and that was about it. Yesterday I spent most of the day on the couch and in bed, leaving only to take my father in-laws car for a drive, as passenger of course. Today I am going to job search, stay vertical and eventually venture to the store for some panty liners, damn progesterone.

Maybe this time around I will post a daily symptom ~~obsession~~ watch so if, god forbid, I have to do this shit again, I will have a reference. I have been rereading my blog from my last IVF cycle again and again, too bad I didn't post more.

2dp3dt:
slight cramping
tiredness, hmm maybe that is from lying in bed for 36 hours.
full boobs but they aren't sore or at their maximum capacity
bloat (leftover from ivf meds)

Feel free to skip over my daily "symptom" check, if I actually keep it up.

In the mean time, go babies go! You can do it, little fighters! Mommy loves you!

ER & fert report

2011-02-18T11:36:00.000-05:00

First off, I made it this far, again. Thank you body for doing your thing, with assistance. I am so happy that you are able to do what I am trying to force you too. Hopefully, you appreciate all of the self care and Zen vibes i am treating you to. Now all we need to do is stay pregnant for at least 38 weeks. Don't let me down, as it is the Year of The Take Home Baby.

I really liked cgd's post today, if you don't read her blog, you should. I have to confess, I have felt like an anti-hero as of late. I haven't really been sharing my story because I am afraid. I am afraid of obsessing and I am afraid of failure. Sheltering myself from the blog world keeps me from thinking about this IVF 24/7. I am reading along but my commenting is less frequent, I apologize.

Yesterday was my retrieval. We drove to VT on Tuesday evening to stay with our dear friend, she has been amazing and I couldn't have done this cycle without her hospitality. I haven't talked to her much about the process this time around, I am really keeping things on the DL, it feels much better this way. After checking in and getting my IV in place (ouch)! I lay in the bed waiting. After a while they wheeled in another patient who was behind a curtain but in the same room. After a few minutes she woke up and was crying and crying and crying, this girl sounded like she was in some serious pain. I tried very hard to ignore her as her whimpering was starting to get me unraveled. At one point I started to cry and swear lamenting what bullshit it is that some woman have to go through so much in order to get pregnant. Hubs tried to calm me down and what do you know, he whipped out his giant headphones and told me to listen to some music. I hesitated for a minute but I slipped em on and I was able to block out the misery and escape to the sounds of some Japancakes. Another nice save by the chill husband.

Upon awakening I was told that 15 eggs were retrieved. 15 was a total shock, I was expecting 10 at the most despite the fact I took more drugs this time around my ovaries weren't producing like last time. I was pleased. I don't remember the pain last time but I was pretty uncomfortable. I was given some more drugs and after a little while I was released to go home. I slept most of the way, enjoying the drug induced rest and catching up on some much needed sleep.

This morning, I got the call that out of my 15 eggs, 11 were mature and seven fertilized with ICSI. This is the exact amount of fertilized embryos I ended up with last time. How weird. Last time I had a dozen eggs, 8 mature and 7 fertilized. I am hopeful. Always hopeful. I want to know that one of those embryos will become my Take Home Baby. I suspect I will end up with a 3 day transfer again. I won't be disappointed since technically, I did end up pregnant with the last 3d transfer. I am still a bit sore. I am allowing myself a vicodin or two if I need it. It is absolutely beautiful here, it is supposed to reach 60 degrees. I plan to stroll to the beach with browndog and otherwise take it easy. I need to be good to myself because in the next few days I am going to be pregnant!

So what if I love the word fuck? (and my chill husband)

2011-02-14T11:48:00.001-05:00

Let me tell you why I LOVE that my husband is so chill.

This morning I was lying in bed after he went to work contemplating my day. I am driving into Boston for an interview at two and then getting back to the car and driving to Vermont, again, for what is hopefully my last monitoring appointment. IVF 2.0 is moving right along. My abdominal area feels bloated and a bit sore, I am almost ready for harvest. I think I may end up with fewer eggs than last time (12) but hopefully the ones I have a mature, healthy and ready to embrace the shit out of hub's sperm. But I digress.

Around 8 I went to the fridge to make sure I had enough drugs for tonight's shoot-em-up and umm, I don't! Once again, I am taking a looong time to stim. Panic ensues. I call the RE, the nurse asks when I will arrive in VT and I tell her about 8pm. No good. Her idea? Call around to pharmacies and see who stocks it. Hmm, okay. Commence phone calls, after each "no" I hear I am becoming more and more panicked until finally I call the nurse back to tell her I have no luck. No one has the drugs! They are a speciality product! I am fucked! Oh no! she tells me to hang tight & that she will call me later. Cue the avalanche of bad thoughts swirling around in my brain, how long before it weakens and consumes me with tears and stress to totally fuck up my interview? I call hubs and tell him the story. His response? Don't worry, it will work out. That is it. Calm, relaxed, certain. Now I understand that this could send many over the edge of despair but for me, it worked. I calmed down and didn't cry. I was lying in bed, picked up my book to continue reading and within a half hour the phone rang. The meds are ordered I am picking them up post interview before my every other day trek to Vermont. Phew. Thank fucking god. Crisis Averted.

And now I will leave you this Valentines Day with a song and artist I adore.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU

Dispatch from Vt

2011-02-09T16:49:00.000-05:00

Back to the old dildo cam, what fun! My ovaries and ute are rocking it slow and steady just like last time. Lining is starting to thicken up, Righty is sporting about 6 follies and lefty has about 10. Righties are a wee bit bigger but my RE thinks the others will get going and we should know a lot more by Friday's scan.I know from last time that follies appear and disappear, how weird. I need to accept that my ovaries produce slowly, which I guess it good, I don't want over or under mature eggs.

Life in Vermont feels like life on hold for me. I miss my love. Friday can not come fast enough. When I look back, I can't believe I was primarly alone for the first go round. Damn, I can't believe I was so strong. (I hope you don't mind a little back-patting).

Today has been nice. I went to my favourite bakery for breakfast, dropped browndog at daycare for some socializing, bought myself a fab, on sale black Patagonia hoody, got a Mani and a pedi, saw 127 hours (holy shit)* and now I am reading and blogging before going to get browndog. Was that a run-on sentence? Tomorrow will be a similar day filled with self-care.

Guess I like to blog when I feel outside my normal life.

*have you seen this movie? The real guy is such a freaking bad ass, after baby, I want to run another marathon. So inspiring!

Planning my Vermont vacation or something like it

2011-02-07T12:23:00.000-05:00

Well, it is couple of monitoring appointments but at my friends suggestion, I am thinking of it as a mini-vacation. Yes, I am sad I am missing my beloveds birthday on Thursday but I plan to make it an extra-special night on Friday before we get in the car for another Vermont overnight on Saturday 'for Sunday morning's monitoring, if I make it that far, which I will, damn it.

Anyway, back to the mini-vacation. My wonderful RE talks about taking care of yourself during an IVF cycle, so I am heeding that advice because it is after all, all about me. Tomorrow I will come to the office with brown-dog in tow (she will hang in the car with her fleece and bed while I work) and then head to my friends for the next few days. Wednesday morning is my appointment and then for the next two days I plan to partake in the following: lunch with friends, shopping, getting a massage, having a pedicure, getting acupuncture, going out to dinner, seeing a movie and doing some snowshoeing. I have another appointment on Friday morning after which I will get back in the car with brown dog and get ready to celebrate the love of my life. He is turning FORTY!! Holy crap, where does the time go?

All is going swimmingly so far, I love having the hubs mix the drugs and inject me, my mini-vacation means it will be back to self jabbing for three days, yuck. Every time he shoots me up I tell him how happy I am that he is doing it. Much easier than the first go-round. Day 4 (tonight) and I am already feeling some serious twinges in my ovaries. Go ladies, do your magic and foster some beautiful, healthy mature eggs for us! We are so thankful and ready to receive the fruits of your hard labor. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Today, I am so grateful for my access to reproductive medicine. I do not take my privilege for granted. Although I wish it was easier, it is not. We have to do this. And we are getting closer to growing our family. I just know it.

Blog Award(s) and Updates

2011-02-01T14:58:00.000-05:00

Yo, yo, yo blog world, what up? It's been a while, I have been sick (better now) and biz-ee.

First and foremost, thanks to three bloggers: Kathleen, Kim and Rebecca who nominated me for the stylish blog award. Oh why yes, I am oh-so stylish, thanks for noticing.

Nominate 15 (holy crap that is a big number) blogs:
Honestly, I think almost all of the blogs I frequent have been nominated so, consider yourself nominated if you already haven't been. Is this cheating? I hope not, I am lazy and busy and I am supposed to be working. I have a lot more guilt associated with blogging while at work since my job is brand spanking new.

Tell the blogosphere 7 things about yourself. Here is my list skip to the end if you want the update on IVF 2.o.

1. My first dog as an adult was named Buddy. I adopted him from a pound and paid $20 to take him home. He was half great Dane half shepherd. He weighed about 110 lbs. Toward the end of his life he got hit by a car and became a tripod. Yup, he had 3 legs and adapted wonderfully.
2. I spent 3 weeks in Jamaica helping to build a basic school. After 5 years, the school was opened in a small rural town named Sligoville in the Mountains above Kingston.
3. I hiked Mt. Katahdin in Maine when I was 16 (or 17). It was my first "real" hike, it took 11 hours.
4. In college, I interned with The National Forest Service in Mammoth Lakes, CA.
5. I used to have a really big purple bong (in college).
6. My favorite fruit is pineapple.
7. I love tofu.

Are you now stereotyping me?

First things first: Brother told me about his baby, which is still alive. Honestly, the baby surviving is more terrifying than if it doesn't. For real. I am not a terrible person. The weird/good thing is that the other baby girl is not a girl, she is a he. Yup, a boy. The only son will have a son after all, god willing.

IVF 2.o: Maybe I am in denial or maybe it is all of the change happening in m life right now but I am not thinking too much about it. Weird, huh? Almost every night I remember oh yeah, its time to do a Lupron shot. Bizarre. It is SO much easier and different this time (but I wouldn't characterize last time as hard). Hubs can give me shots although he is now SICK and doesn't want to re-contaminate me so its been me jabbing myself, no biggie. I had my baseline in Vermont yesterday and I have the green light to start stimming on Friday. Holy crap! It is coming right up. I plan to go to Vt next Tuesday night after work to stay with a friend until Friday morning since I have an appointment on Wednesday and Friday. I am going to miss the hubs birthday on Thursday but we are celebrating in advance this weekend. The week of the 14th will be retrieval and transfer if all goes well. I have a job interview on the 14th, I hope the timing works.

I can't believe I am here, again. I can't believe how little I think about being here. I have little desire to talk about it with anyone. I don't really feel like blogging much either, I think it is a protective mechanism, but that may change. At the start I felt very pessimistic but now, I am really positive.

I believe in my body. It is after all, the YEAR OF THE TAKE HOME BABY!

Ambivalence (and ramblings)

2011-01-17T16:17:00.001-05:00

Yup, that pretty much sums up how I am feeling right about now. I have started the first step of IVF 2.o and I am not really feeling it. I am more scared and blah than hopeful and excited. It blows, I wish I was my chipper, optimistic self. I am scared. Way more scared than I was on the first go around. I just want to be pregnant and stay pregnant. Why is that so difficult? I wish this wasn't such a damn crap shoot. I am going to embrace my old "one step at a time" mindset. I do believe that every step you pass in the IVF process is a victory. The bcps are swelling my boobs, again. They finally lost their pregnancy padding only to be filled back up again from the pills. I have worked out almost everyday so far in 2011, trying to loose those pregnancy/IVF pounds I gained but my ass is still fat.

One week from today I will be starting my Lupron injections. Fortunately, I had no side effects to speak of last time so hopefully I will have the same experience. I am trying to get all of my meds together, my brother and his wife have 12 vials of Menapour that he is supposed to send me but I haven't heard back from him which is understandable. I really, really hope he sends them out ASAP, any money saved, helps. He told me he would and asked for my address, I was ready to write them off until he texted last week but now, silence. ***If my only
friend in real life reads this, you must not breathe a word to anyone. You know who you are!!**** As some of you know, my brother and his wife are pregnant after 2 years of TTC via IVF. They found out shortly after my m/c that their twins are a boy and a girl. She is 5 weeks farther along than I was.

My brother mentioned in passing that there may be something wrong with the babies but did not want to talk about it. He hasn't said a word since despite my subtle inquiries. My mother on the other hand is a different story. I could tell by her voice that something was wrong. I made her tell me. She told me that my brother does NOT want me to know what is going on. So I live with the knowledge that my brother's son is going to die. The doctors believe his colon or intestines have ruptured in utero and he is filling with fluid. It is on his brain, his lungs, everywhere. I am deeply sad and worry everyday about the health of his wife and his daughter. My brother wants to protect my feelings because he knows we are on the doorstep of IVF, again. When my mom told me, she needed to talk to someone, it is heartbreaking for her too. I can't help but think how unbelievably unfair life is.

My brother has had a 2010 that was on par with the worst of them. I thought my 2010 sucked, and it did but his, man, it was bad. He was a first responder on September 11 and as a result has a serious, chronic pulmonary condition. I believe his surgery count for this past year was around 7. He will never be "cured", he has good days and bad. He will always live with his condition but he is a strong, optimistic fighter. I believe it is a family trait. The babies are a ray of hope. My family, dad especially, was thrilled to have a son born to the only son to carry on the family name. I ask again, why is life so damn unfair? I wonder when he will tell me. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for them right
now. I feel like a shit, asking for IVF meds when I know his struggle.

I can't think of anyway to summarize this post.

Moving on

2011-01-13T13:32:00.001-05:00

I am so busy, it is nearly impossible to blog. But, I need a quick vent.

I started my new job in Massachusetts this week and now I am here, in Vermont, today and tomorrow for my last two days at my old job. My co-workers, many of who I will miss dearly organized the traditional going away party, sweet. After a co-worker approached and said she was sorry for not making it to lunch. Another co-worker that I was speaking with pointed to her belly and said "there is a girl in there". Oh, she's knocked up, great. I smiled and asked the appropriate question which is: when are you due? Yup, around the time of my due date. Yes, I never was told the actual date of my could- have been baby but I had an idea. Thank god I won't be in this office everyday to witness the daily reminder of what could have been.

Fuck, why is it all so unfair?

I am still on track for ivf 2.o and I am scared. I will post more on that soon.

yip! yip!

2011-01-07T12:39:00.001-05:00

My period arrived today. It is light but its a period with red blood, as opposed to old maroonish blood. (for those of you who m/c, do you remember your first period? Was it light?) Do you know what that means? Birth Control Pills! I am waiting for the go-ahead from the doc and the official schedule for IVF 2.o. I am filled with a great joy, no time to worry about the what-ifs. I am also waiting for my test results. Please, please, please let this IVF bring me my baby. Please let this be it.

Moving forward puts all of the other bullshit drama I am dealing with out of my mind, and I have been dealing with a lot bullshit drama but that is for another post. Bleeding means I can be in a good space when I hang out with my beautiful nephew this weekend.

I wish they would call. Now. I hope I am not getting ahead of myself here.

the virgin post of 2011

2011-01-03T10:49:00.001-05:00

Roccie, I adore you and must popularize your sentiment, 2011 will be the year of the Take Home Baby. I hope you know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery or something like that.

Happy New Year!

The end of the month was pretty difficult for me, I am chalking it up to hormones, and therefore my body regulating itself, but for a few days I was having difficulty getting a grip. Throughout the day I found myself getting really annoyed and agitated over small things until finally I would give in, let go and cry. It only lasted about 3 days but it sucked, seriously. I was crying for the loss of the fetus, no longer being pregnant, moving, starting a new job and the loss of my friend. I had those ugly, irrational thoughts that I think we all have from time to time. I felt sorry for myself, more than usual . To make mattes worse, it seems as if there has been a flurry of pregnancies amongst the blogs I follow and although I feel happiness for the fortunate ones, it inevitably makes me feel intense self-pity. IRL, my SIL who is pregnant from IVF (she was 6 weeks ahead of me) just found out the sex of their twins; a boy and a girl, again, happiness and jealousy co-mingling. Fuck.

In two days I am going to the lab to get blood drawn to determine what else could possibly be wrong with me. I am scared. I am afraid of finding out that I have yet another auto-immune disorder that may have sabotaged my last pregnancy. I don't know which is worse, not knowing what happened or gaining the knowledge that something else wrong. I cannot believe I am still on this fucking roller coaster. I am also anxiously awaiting AF's arrival. It needs to happen in the next couple of weeks so I can start
bcps and get the IVF show on the road. I have no idea where I am at cycle-wise. There seems to be nothing coming out of my lady parts to give me any sort of a clue. And there is no way I am sticking a thermometer in my mouth. I cannot change what my body is doing so I need to let go and hope the timing works out.

Hubs came to Vermont this weekend and we packed, purged and organized. I didn't shed tears when he left for the first time since we have been living apart because I know this is it, our last full week of living apart. I barely have time to contemplate that this time next week I will be in my new office in a new job. Weird, it is part time so I will have half of my days to loose the blubber I have acquired, search for another job and get settled. I am getting really excited!!

Lastly, go and visit Jen. She writes one of the funniest blogs ever (!) and she just lost one of her twins after giving birth at 32 weeks. She is an inspiration, one of the first blogs I came across. My heart is breaking for her.

it could be worse 2010

2010-12-28T09:09:00.003-05:00

Do you remember last week's news reports about the snowy conditions in Europe? If not, it was really snowy there, yes, just like the East coast is now and as a result air traffic was snarled. My in-laws, who I adore, where scheduled to get home last Monday from their two week trip to England & Ireland, but they didn't, and still haven't. After being delayed a week they were supposed to fly out yesterday but the Boxing Day blizzard is keeping them at Heathrow until Wednesday. Being without parents that host our annual Xmas we decided this was the year of the "it could be worse" Christmas. Throughout the weekend we joked about how things could be worse and thought of all sorts of ridiculous scenarios that could happen. We celebrated with one of my hubs brothers, his wife and two kids. The kids are old enough that my ovaries didn't ache longingly while hanging out with them, in fact they can be pretty annoying and every once and a while you get the feeling of being glad you don't have kids.

Without the in-laws we were fully able to appreciate all that they do to make Xmas so amazing, from decorating, to cooking and spending a shit-load of money on food and booze, phew, its tough to be responsible adults! We had a really good time, I drank to excess on Xmas eve, the first time in a really long time and it felt good to laugh and be silly and not think about TTC. Believe it or not this Xmas was much better than last despite my recent loss because there wasn't a preggo in our midst. Last year I suffered through the holiday while my beaming SIL rubbed her annoying belly, it was torturous. Fortunately this Xmas hubs other brother, wife and their adorable son had other plans. Go ahead, judge, I am bitch, whatever. At different points during the weekend I felt sad and missed being pregnant, the family we were with had no idea what happened and I saw no reason to share, besides it wasn't the right time. I guess it could be worse, I could have miscarried when I would have been twelve weeks along on Christmas, ha ha ha ha!

Speaking of m/c, I am completely done with bleeding, spotting and wearing pads until my period shows back up, hurrah! I got a call from the nurse last Thursday that my beta had dropped to 10 and that I should go and have all of the additional blood work after the new year. About an hour or so later, Christy, my RE (she calls herself by her first name when she calls but I still call her dr.) called me and we talked again about next steps and it needs to be said once more, I love her!

Thanks for all of your thoughtful comments on my friend. I have thought about the relationship a lot and feel like I have gone through the stages of grief; disbelief, anger (the dominant emotion when I wrote the last post), sadness and finally acceptance. Like Ginger and Lime said, I don't think she is a bad person, I just don't think she can be the kind of friend I need right now. We are at different places in our lives and I don't feel like she has the ability to be a friend. Sad but true. I am letting her go quietly without explanation, this wasn't the first time and she let me down and this time around I was dealing with one of the most difficult things life can throw your way, death.

I went back and looked at my sign off for 2009 and I wrote the following: 2010= me knocked up. Funny, I thought being knocked up was the goal but I know now its not, allow me to revise. 2011=me conceiving, carrying a baby to term, birthing it and taking it home happy and healthy!

I probably won't be posting again until January. I hope that you all have a safe and peaceful New Year and that 2011 brings hope, light, life and an answer to all of your wishes. Much love!! Before I go I want to share what is now one of my favorite sentiments.

Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

Lao Tzu

Another segment of what would you do?

2010-12-22T11:07:00.000-05:00

I am going to try and make this long story short, but first, I don't want to jinx it but my pad has been bare for over 12 hours!! After 20 days, I think I am no longer bleeding or eliminating old blood from my ute, rejoice! I want to ovulate and go onto to the next cycle (unless this results in a miracle baby, ha) so I can start IVF 2.0.

I ~~have~~ had a good friend, Y. We worked together several years back and became fast friends. We started out as running buddies and our friendship quickly deepened. We spent loads of time together and talked everyday, sometimes several times a day. Almost 4 years ago I started my current job and she started dating my boss. Fast forward a year or two and they got engaged and moved in together. Y an I still talked, almost everyday but we didn't hang out as much, life happens, right? Month 5 or so of TTC, Y fell accidentally pregnant. I handled it poorly. I responded in haste but made amends, I hosted a baby shower and doted on her on a regular basis. She got married, I was in her wedding and things seemed ok, different, but ok. As the pregnancy progressed our conversations became more infrequent, we talked about once per week and rarely hung out. Close to the birth I remember thinking that I needed to cut her slack b/c she was probably always at home resting and then I heard her husband, my boss, talk about how they had hung out with his friends for dinner one night, and went to the movies another night. I felt hurt and jealous, my good friend was living a life without me. Around the same time I scheduled to have my first surgery and Y had no idea.

After the baby was born it got worse, Y never called and we never hung out. I was dealing with my own emotions around IF and she was enjoying life with a newborn. Finally we made a date and hung out, she felt neglected by me and I told her how she stopped asking about my IF, when she knew intimately how consuming it was. Months went by and she never acknowledged my ongoing struggle. But at lunch, we cried, laughed and made amends and shared how important we were to one another and how much we wanted to be in each others lives. The reunion lasted for a while but the distance started to creep back in.

She knew I was doing an IVF cycle but we never spoke throughout the process. A part of it was me, I distanced myself from many friends because I wanted to go through IVF on my own. After finding out I was pregnant I never wanted to tell Y. And I didn't tell Y until after the miscarriage. I sobbed to her, I told her how deeply sad I was. She professed her love and apologized for being a bad friend. I thought we were making a new start, again. After our conversation I emailed her and thanked her for her words. I put myself out there and asked, despite our distance, if she could be there for me. I told her that I needed her and needed her to check in on me, a lot. Just a text or an email to let me know I am not alone. She did, and it was great for a week and then........nothing. Until yesterday when she called me and left a message on my voicemail to "check in", no sorry I haven't called you in a week and half, just a hello. She also inquired as to why she couldn't send me a message on FB (I blocked her) but no acknowledgement of the lack of calls.

I know people get busy and in most situations I wouldn't think twice if I hadn't spoken to a friend in a week and a half. She has a young baby, graduate school finals, an internship, etc. But I asked. I put myself out there and asked for help. She let me down, again. You don't get over a miscarriage in a week. I need my friends and my family. But Y, wow, wtf? And here finally, is the question, what would you do? Call her? Not call her? Tell her to fuck off? I am dumbfounded as to how someone who referred to me as their best friend could do this....

December ICLW

2010-12-20T16:40:00.000-05:00

Happy Winter Solstice (a day early)! I love how all of the ICLWs coincide with the various solstices, I think I have participated in all of the Solstice/Equinox ICLWs, cool. I love to acknowledge the changing of the seasons even if the weather does not reflect the calendar. Tomorrow will be the shortest day of the year and the longest, darkest night. The very next day we will be given one more minute of light, joy! Come October, I really look forward to December 21. Welcome light!

And welcome to my blog (if there are any newcomers). I love my blog sisters, they make this shitty journey somewhat bearable. Big thanks to my peeps, I love to make new friends and find hope and inspiration from others, so follow along. My story? Well, I should be pregnant but I had a miscarriage almost 3 weeks ago. I was about 8 and a half weeks, it is all very sad and tragic but....its over. I can dwell on it because, umm, I don't want to. I wish it didn't happen but I can't change it and I must move forward! Don't get me wrong, I get pretty sad and I have cried a pool's worth of tears but I will NOT wallow, I got pregnant, and I am going to do so again, fast. (this time it will result in a healthy baby, damn it) I have been TTC over 2 years now, scary. I had to take about 6 months off for a lap and a surgery to remove a fibroid that was hogging my uterus. When all is said and done we probably tried for 18 months. I have done 3 IUIs, and one IVF that was a semi-success. I know now that pregnancy is not the goal, it is a live birth.

Physically I am still recovering and expelling some brownish-maroon colored sludge from my vagina on a daily basis. I have been sporting pads since October, and its friggen awesome (ha)! Last Thursday my beta was at 70 so I am hoping at this Thursday's beta I will hit zero. Once that happens and and I start to bleed (again), did I mention I love pads, I plan to start bcps for in preparation for IVF 2.0. In the mean time I am going to get tested for every autoimmune condition known to man to make sure my body isn't planning on self sabotaging any fetus that takes up residence. I have one autoimmune condition, hashimotos thyroid, which can reek havoc on my body, but I *think* that is under control.

In the mean time I am wrapping up my life in the fantastic state of Vermont, my beloved hubs got a new job in Boston so I will be making the move soon. I am leaving my job mid-January and starting a part time gig around the same time. I am currently looking for a sublet and packing up my house. I have been apart from my hubs for three months, except on weekends, the same three months of IVF & miscarriage, I can't wait to be back together full time!! Life is distracting me from obsessing about TTC. Come 2011, I will be back aboard the baby train.

2010-12-17T14:35:00.002-05:00

Let me start by saying this: I love my RE. She is so incredible. She is smart, thoughtful and compassionate. I am so glad I had a friend with me, it made walking into the clinic and the long wait bearable. I was very sad when I arrived and pretty self conscious, I worried that the receptionist would treat me differently but she didn't. In fact no one treated me differently, everyone was kind. My RE gave me a big hug when I saw her and we got down to the serious discussion of where to go from here.

The low point:

Miscarrying after hearing a heartbeat is pretty rare. Sad but true, poor me. (and the many others who have had the shit experience)

The high points:

I got pregnant, made healthy embryos and responded to the drugs.
We are going to do all of the autoimmune testing as soon as my beta levels are at zero. One more test next week, Thursday.
After the new year I will get all the blood work for the additional issues including a retest of the TSH panel.
Although nothing is guaranteed in life my RE told me to look into her eyes when she told me that she has complete confidence in my ability to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. In fact, I made her tell me about patients who miscarried after hearing a heartbeat and went on to have success, more than once. She even teared up when we talked about the aftermath of the last appointment, wow.

The plan:
January's period will bring bcps & Lupron.
February will be the start of stims, ER, and ET if all goes well.

I will be in MA and can do the early u/s & blood work down there but I will have to come here for the big stuff .

I am relieved to have a plan, get tested and move forward. I am going to get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term in 2011.

RE appointment today

2010-12-17T08:45:00.002-05:00

This may be a first. Two posts in one day.

I got a call from a nurse this morning, beta is down to 71. Thankfully. I can now admit last week it was at 2000. It is over, almost. I am only spotting brown blood. I cannot wait to have sex this weekend. I had read that some woman have difficulty with intimacy after miscarrying, good thing I wasn't knocked up the old fashioned way, the last thing I would want would be to taint my sex life, as if! It has been so long since I had "baby-making" sex that I have forgotten about the hazards of timed intercourse. And I am not going to have to get back on that old horse since pregnancy #2 will happen soon, and it will be a success.

I am very much my old self. I realized it when a good friend insisted on paying for lunch and I made the loose a fetus, get a free lunch joke. Ha, hysterical huh?

I was sad and sobbed a bit last night, getting a beta drawn set me off and watching the finale of Six Feet Under didn't help. In the end everyone, everywhere will die, so comforting. For those of you who are fans, what did you think of the finale? I always heard how great it was but I think it was pretty damn cheesy and the make-up was pretty bad too.

Until later.....

13 days later

2010-12-13T11:56:00.000-05:00

and I am still bleeding. Can you believe it? I suppose I should be happy because when I heard my beta levels on Friday, I lost it. They are still high, and I mean really high. High enough to not want to tell you all how high they were. My doctor tells me that beta hcg levels are at their peek between 8-10 weeks of pregnancy so it is not surprising that my levels are still high. I have another test on Thursday and a follow-up/whats next appointment on Friday. The way things are going I am not going to be able to cycle again until February. Unthinkable. Every minute of every day I think about getting pregnant, again. It is not healthy. I need a break, I need to focus on other things. So, I may or may not be taking a little blog break. I keep googling and crying and googling and crying, you get the picture.

The weekend with my husband was terrific. Being without him is horrible, heart-breaking and lonely. I need to put on my big-girl pants and start to find my strength. It was so good to hang with him and not sob. I did not feel despondent for a moment this entire weekend, it was great. At one point I was packing since we will be moving soon and I came across the three or four size M shirts that I bought to accommodate my slightly increasing girth, I felt sad and told me husband how difficult it was to fold them up and pack them away. His response, without a seconds hesitation was "well, you will need them soon". His sincerity and love was enough to make me laugh and give me hope. Oh, to be with him on a daily basis, I cannot wait.

I think I will be bringing along a friend to my RE appointment on Friday. She isn't a close friend per say but she really gets IF having been through it herself. I know I can trust her, besides it will be helpful to have someone with me who is level headed and not weepy. I plan to record the conversation on my phone so hubs can hear everything that I will. I plan to ask about:

autoimmune testing including APS
alloimmune testing including NK cells and MTHFR
when to try again
trying on our own
does another IUI make sense
recurrence of fibroids and estrogen (bcps) effects
IVF schedule
blood work in another state
age
miscarriage rates on IVF #2

anything I am forgetting? Anything you would ask?

One day at a time, each day is a little better than the last. And, I know I can get pregnant. I will get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term. You may get a little sick of my mantra but I need to say it every. single. day.

Back "home"

2010-12-08T19:15:00.001-05:00

I delayed my trip back to Vermont by a day due to the weather. When I arrived here today I was met with 22 inches of mother fucking snow!!! Snow up to my knees. I had to shovel a lot to pull my car into the driveway and then shovel a lot more to get into the front door. When all was said and done it was about 2 hours worth of moving snow.

I was pretty weapy on the way up and I was enduring some fierce cramps. 8 days of bleeding, jeez when will it end? I passed a lot of clots so hopefully the end is near. I am willing my body to let go. I am still taking the daily vicodin, life is sucking pretty hard right now so why not self medicate. Don't think I am a substance abuser or anything but I had a glass of wine last night too. We toasted to the future.

I cried a ridiculous amount of tears once I got into the house and tried to settle in. The last time I was here alone I was pregnant. Today was supposed to be the last of my progesterone suppositories, so sad. I was so excited to stop wearing pads, sigh. I am thrilled that I never knew my estimated due date, I don't want to dwell over this loss anymore than I am (and will) but at least I won't have a date to focus on. Besides, I may be with child by then.

I cannot wait to move to Boston. I have a few weeks left to be alone. I don't want to leave Vermont with a bad taste in my mouth. Vermont is very much my first love. I am the person I am today because of this place. I left my parents home to come here, I got a degree, started my career, met my husband, fell in love, wed, and made numerous friends and memories. But I am so ready to move on. My home is with my love. No matter where we land as long as we are together I will be home.

In the mean time it will be deep breaths, recreation in the snow and spending time with
friends. I want to try and surround myself with the people and places I love here in this very
special place. My loss will not define my time here, in fact, I may end up conceiving here
again if I end up not being insured in MA.

One more random thought. I put on the shirt I conceived in tonight, I plan to wear it if I
make it to the next embryo transfer and maybe everytime I have sex!! Speaking of, I am more than ready to have "relations" with the hubs!

This is another iPhone post do forgive the errors, thanks.

to look forward.

2010-12-06T17:59:00.000-05:00

This is the first time I have been alone since I found out that my growing embryo had died. I cried a fair amount after my in-laws left for their two week trip to England and Ireland but I am doing okay, for now. My husband went back to work today and for that I am grateful. I worry about him. He has been an amazing caretaker for the past several days and I don't want him to tire of his crying wife. Returning to "normal" life seems like an important step in the recovery process. I will be returning home to Vermont tomorrow, I see no point in being here while my husband is at work all day. I plan to leave in the morning and expect to be greeted by several inches of snow, at least I know I can shovel without worrying about harming the fetus, ha!

Physically I am doing okay too. Yesterday was a pretty intense day of bad cramps, back pain and lots o' blood. Thank you to all who took the time to share your experiences, knowing that some of you had profuse bleeding days after the miso helped to ease my anxiety. I think I am past the worst, physically. I go in for a beta on Friday. Fucking great. I asked the nurse about running today, she told my to listen to me body. I am ready to get out on the road and loose the 5 pounds I gained during the IVF/early pregnancy. My boobs seem to be getting a bit smaller. I have been avoiding the mirror while naked since the veins are a little too difficult to see. My doctor, who refers to herself by her first name when she calls(!), set up a follow up appointment with me. She provided the option of coming in before or after the holidays and I choose before. Next Friday, the 17th, we will discuss the fall out and next steps. I want to move forward. I don't want to dwell in the past and what could have been. That would not got me anywhere. I want to have a good Christmas this year.

Emotionally, the tide ebbs and flows. I don't start everyday crying but the tears tend to come numerous times throughout the day. My support system, including those of you on the inter-webs could not be better, especially those of you who send out the frequent emails. Your thoughts help to lift me out from under the tide. My family is terrific and no one has said "the wrong thing". I am asking for support without shame. I feel vulnerable and need my loved ones close.

Underneath it all, I believe. This is going to happen for us. Its strange, I think my belief in myself and our future is stronger than it has ever been. Did I know something was wrong the last time? I don't know. I will never know.

Lastly, I am sorry I have been a crappy commenter. I am reading along but don't always have the words to say. It amazes me how life keeps on happening. Life, death and change, the constants. I am sorry to those of you who are knocked up, particularly the two women who conceived via IVF within days of me. I cannot follow you, it is too painful. I do not want to count how many weeks I should have been. No. It is not an option. I wish you luck on your journey and I am sure you won't care to let me go, perhaps you don't even read my updates anymore.

Some gross and not gross musings

2010-12-04T15:04:00.000-05:00

I have been writing this blog for a year now, yay me. I was so relieved to have finally conceived within the two year mark but you all know how that ended up. We tried for 18 months since we had about 6 off.

My MIL was amazing last night, she really stressed allowing my mind & body to heal before starting again. Honestly, I am feeling this and processing it and starting to try again will help me to heal. I can't wait to get back to the RE. I am pretty uncertain about the dead fetus, I don't know if it is still inside me or not. I have read about a seeing a grey mass & I haven't, but I haven't been looking too closely. I have passed a lot of clots but they sink to the bottom and I am not keen on fishing them out. I am barely bleeding anymore but my boobs feel swollen and are still mapped by veins. For those of you that have mc, what was your bleeding experience and did your symptoms go away quickly?

How cruel life is when your body still thinks its pregnant.

I manage to go several hours without tears, we went to the beach today and when we got back I cleaned the bathroom with a fervor. I want to go for a run but everyone has cautioned me to take it easy. We are going to go for a walk with the in-laws and may accept their invitation to go out to dinner. I want to do things to get my mind of what could have been but doing so makes me sad, sad, sad. I am wearing real pants today, what a step. No yoga pants today at least not yet.
I think everyone who knew I was preggo knows I miscarried by now. My amazing brother told my dad who will break it to my mom, haven't heard from them yet.

Next IVF, no one will know.

Today

2010-12-03T11:36:00.002-05:00

I feel like I am drowning.

Just when I think I can make it to the shore a huge wave comes and takes me down.

I am gasping for air and drowning in sorrow.

Why?

Thoughts

2010-12-02T16:38:00.001-05:00

I have so much to say but can't because of this tiny iPhone screen.
Here is where I am at:
Round two for the misoprostil. Round one wasn't bloody or painful enough. Joy, anything to avoid anesthesia, I fear this may end in a D&C, I pray it doesn't.

Night two in a hotel. We lost power sometime mid-day yesterday. I couldn't possibly miscarry into a toilet that won't flush. Besides, the spares me from having the painful miscarriag memories at home.

I feel raw, and sad. I just want this to be over. I want to let go. I know a lot of women who miscarry hate to hear this but for me it means a lot to know that I can get pregnant. I will get tested for every auto immune condition there is before our next IVF. Which will happen as soon as my body can handle it. I vacillate between hoping this was a fluke to hoping it was a diagnosable and treatable autoimmune issue. I want to have confidence in my body, like Rebecca, I need to believe in miracles.

Hubs is my foundation. Without him and browndog I would crumble.

Your words and stories (that I have been in many cases going back to read) help to anchor me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I am so sorry that so many of us have indured loss.

Lastly, I accepted a new job today that was offered to me yesterday when I stupidly picked up a call between sobs from an unknown number. It is a challenging part time job outside of Boston. I cannot be here without hubs. I cannot endure the IVF process (easy as it was for me) without him, we will either pay cobra benefits to do another IVF cycle that is covered under my insurance or use his. In the midst if all this we discovered Massachusettes newly passed law mandating infertility treatment including ivf. We are not 100% positive hubs insurance will have this benefit but it is looking that way. No matter what we can and will try again.

I will get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term and deliver it alive and screaming.

The story.

2010-11-30T17:21:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe this is happening to us. I thought we paid our dues. This month, November, was our two year mark of TTC. I have had two surgeries, 3 IUIs, and one IVF cycle which led to my one and only pregnancy and subsequent loss. It is so very difficult and unfair, an experience that many of you are all too familiar with. Why? Why does this happen? Why do I have to be on the loosing side of statistics? A huge piece of me feels like I want to be done. I abhor the thought of going back to timed intercourse and month after fruitless month passing me by with nothing to show for it but heartache. I don't want to be unhappy, I want to live and be and embrace the beauty of life. But the thought of giving up is incomprehensible. I have coverage for another IVF and almost a full cycles worth of drugs in my fridge. But I miss living day to day with my husband. I hate having to live in two places, this fucking crap is inevitably going to delay my move by 4 months, at least. I know I need to grieve, which I am, before making any decisions about next steps. I need to expell the little fetus from my uterus first. I am terrified of bleeding, the loss will become more real and will become tangible.
The fetus was so much bigger than last time and I could make out the head, it measured a little over 8 weeks so it must have died in the last day or two. When the dr. told me he couldn't find the heartbeat I felt numb. He went to get another dr. and she confirmed that the heartbeat was gone. I got on the phone immediately with my husband and told him.

I got dressed and a few minutes later my IVF doc came in. She was amazing, of course. We talked about options for expelling the dead fetus and for the moment I have opted to do nothing. I got a prescription for Viciden to numb some of this pain. I may decide to take misoprostil once my husband is here, he is on his way.

I went back to work and gathered four of my female co-workers to break the news, two of them are on the other side of IF after many years of combined heartache, come to think of it, three of the are and one is childless after opting not to pursue treatment. I need an extended period of time off and let them know as two of them happen to be the chief deputy states attorneys so no worries there. After numerous crying jags the Viciden is starting to kick in, I feel a little crampy and hope to pass this quickly. I received a call from head of the RE department, he wanted to personally call and let me know how sorry he was. He made several optimistic and comforting comments and believes I can go on to carry a healthy pregnancy to term. Sure its early to think about that but his call meant a lot. One never gives up hope, do they?
I appreciate everyone's love and support and feel like I need you more than ever. Husband is on his way. I need him too.
Such a heartbreaking day. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

One last thing, I typed this on an iPhone so forgive all the errors.

Why?

2010-11-30T12:27:00.001-05:00

Its dead. There was no heartbeat today. I am devastated.

what would you do?

2010-11-23T09:31:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it is Thanksgiving. I can clearly remember last year being at my parents post IUI#1 hopeful and abstaining from drinking. Fast forward to Thursday and the more things change the more they stay the same, I am hopeful and still not drinking. Initially my plan was NOT to tell my family. This still does not feel real and I must admit I worry every day about the next u/s (one week from today) and that something will go wrong. I wish I was one of those women who can start fully embracing this experience but no. I planned to call my mom next week if the u/s was ok. I will be into my eighth week by then an hopefully a bit more confident. My concern is that if something does go wrong my mother will not be helpful. She tends to focus on the negative and I can't tell you how many times she has said "it must be so difficult for you to be away from hubs", uh-yeah mom, it sucks having your husband living in another state thanks for mentioning it every. time. we. talk.

So why not wait?

My brother called me this weekend to tell me that him and my SIL are very concerned about me having to hear about my SIL's pregnancy ad nauseum. My SIL is about 6 weeks ahead of me and is growing twins conceived via IVF. Therefore, they know. They appreciate how difficult things can be for an IFer and fear the effects the gushing will have on us. My sister hasn't told her children yet but is planning to do so on Thanksgiving and wants to capture the occasion on video. FUN! Ugh. My SIL also feels badly about all of the baby stuff she stands to inherit from my sister as she feels it should go to me, how kind. But I do want that crib!

I was taken aback by the phone call and I started to wonder, should I tell? I spoke to hubs and he thinks I should do whatever I feel comfortable doing, like me he is cautious, very cautious. He also thinks we should celebrate their happy time and that our time is coming, soon. I am really stumped about what to do. Yesterday I thought I would just tell my sister and this morning I thought I would just tell my mother with a strong explanation that if something goes wrong I need her to be positive and not tell me how difficult it must be. What would you do? Any advice is very appreciated.

once an infertile...

2010-11-17T10:45:00.003-05:00

I haven't seen what used to be a very good friend of mine in a long, long time. We live in the same community, for the most part, and her husband happens to be my boss so you figure we would run into one another on occasion. We haven't. The last time I had lunch with her was August, we haven't talked since my beloved dog, Osa, died in September, since my husband started his job in Boston or through my entire IVF cycle. We have texted and emailed but haven't had an actual conversation. I know this happens in life, people are busy, etc. etc. But our friendship has been undeniably strained since her "oops" pregnancy almost a year ago. This is of course partially my fault, at first my jealousy was nauseating and I needed to step back from the relationship.

We were supposed to have lunch today and I stressed a little about not wanting to spill the *pregnancy* beans too soon but it looks as if it is not happening. I got a text from her this morning saying:

I can't believe this been throwing up all night. No lunch. So sorry.

So, my IF mind is of course reeling. Is she knocked up again without trying? What. the. fuck. You would think this thought wouldn't bother me but honestly I can't bear the thought. I am thrown into my whiny its sooo unfairrrr!! train of thought. She is a good person who deserves happiness, who cares if she is pregnant, again? Its funny what IF does to you.

Once an infertile always an infertile, great.

another hurdle

2010-11-15T11:13:00.001-05:00

6wks1d today and we ~~heard~~ saw the heartbeat! 122 bpm (or something close to that)

I was so nervous before the u/s because I am still having a difficult time believing this. Overall I feel pretty normal with the exception of extreme thirst, occasional tiredness and swollen (but not really sore) boobs. The spotting has completely stopped btw.

2 more weeks until the next u/s.

6 more weeks and we may be comfortable to start spilling the beans. Very few people IRL know our secret. Its way to scary to disclose it at this point.

stuff coming out of my vagina therefore you may find this to be gross.

2010-11-08T16:13:00.003-05:00

You've been warned:

Saturday: brownish-type discharge on my progesterone catcher aka a panty liner. (I hate the word panty, btw)
Sunday: the slightest bit of pink discharge after straining to poop which of course did not produce any results. Love being constipated.

Ok, this is really a lot of information, but wtf? I haven't seen any real spotting in fact I probably wouldn't notice any discharge if I wasn't shoving a suppository up my vag 3 times a day. Occasionally there is a drop of what looks like a brownish/yellowish tint on the applicator. Still there or are my vaginal secretions to much for you?

I called the RE on call last night and it happened to be the one I love, she told me not to worry that some spotting is completely normal as long as it is not accompanied by bright red blood or severe cramps. Relief? Not so much. All of my anxiety resulted in a shitty anxiety induced dream where my husband announced he was leaving, thanks subconscious.

The RE suggested I come in for an u/s this morning but warned me I wouldn't see much. I did see a cute little sac and the yolk sac and no sign of trouble. So far so good. And the spotting is gone. I have another u/s next week and hopefully I will see the heartbeat.

This better not be a sign of things to come. I need to be chill.

So the million dollar question is: Did anyone have a teeny-tiny bit of spotting/discharge in a healthy pregnancy and go onto have a baybee?

The gross post is now over. Thank you.

worries in the early days.

2010-11-03T10:22:00.001-04:00

The waiting is the hardest part. Without a doubt. The 2ww and now what is shaping up to be the mack-daddy of all waits: the days until the first u/s. Everyday I don't get my period amazes me. I can't really believe my body is trying (and hopefully succeeding) to grow a baby. I have little symptoms to speak of: veiny swollen boobs, a bloated belly and the need to drink copious amounts of liquids, which seems to be waning a bit and therefore makes me worry. Can this really be happening? I am trying to stay grounded and positive but this experience is so completely foreign its difficult to know what to expect. Yes I know everyone is different but seeing a positing pregnancy test has changed very little in my life thus far. I agonize over every twinge and obsessively check the tp every single time I use the loo.
11 days from now I will have my first u/s. I am terrified. I am contemplating naming my fears so I can just let them go, similar to what I did here before the start of my IVF cycle. Reading back on that post with so many unknowns in my future I am so proud of myself for making the choice to be positive. I need to channel that gurlee. Honestly I only have one profound fear: I am afraid of losing the little life that is growing inside of me. Hopefully naming my fear will make it easier to let it go. I enjoy anticipating getting further along and can look with optimism towards the future, most of the time.

I realize that many of my IF sisters are still struggling and my heart continues to hope for the very best for you. I am sorry if my concerns annoy/anger/upset you. I need to articulate my thoughts somewhere and this seems like one of the only safe places.

Happy 101 Blog Award

2010-11-02T09:25:00.000-04:00

A big, belated thanks to one of my Favourite bloggers, SlackieO. I have had a lot going on as of late but I wanted to acknowledge this and join in the fun. In turn I get to award some other super-awesome bloggers.

1 - Post who gave you this award: see above

2 - List 10 things that make you happy:

1. My hubs

2. My dog AKA browndog, bug, pbug, monkey and of course her real name, Ada.

3. Running (although I am on a hiatus) so I'll have to say walking.

4. Good Wine (yup, same as #4)

5. Good friends

6. Being Outdoors

7. Eating locally grown food therefore supporting the local economy.

8. Flowers

9. ~~Earrings~~ Accessories

10. Weekends

3- Award ten blog friends:

1. S at Misconceptions about Conception
2. Christa at Fearlessly Infertile
3. CJ at My Vegas
4. Mummy at Maybe Baby or Maybe the Loony Bin
5. B at the Journey to three little kilos
6. Lisa at wanna be momma
7. Danielle at Barricades and Brickwalls
8. Adventures in Babymaking
9. Roccie at Roccie Road
10. Allison at Allison's Wonderland

still ok

2010-10-31T16:52:00.000-04:00

It appears that I am more pregnant today than I was on Friday.

My beta has more than doubled! Its up to 215!

I can't get into the pathetic ball of stress I was this afternoon waiting for the call that never came. Yes, I had to call the RE's because I think they forgot, WTF!!!

Instead I will move forward with my old IVF mindset: Zen, Zen, Zen, Zen. Which of course is stolen from such a good egg ,but I think she's got something there.

deep breaths and beta results.

2010-10-29T10:55:00.001-04:00

I guess I am umm, pregnant. My beta at 12dp3dt is 72. (I just realized I miscalculated by a day, its 12 not 13).I am all sorts of freaking out that it is low but many women go on to have a healthy baby, right? I have read two things: it should be above 50 or it should be above 100. I know that all that really matters is the next one.

I can't really believe this. Amazing. I am stunned. No matter the outcome, at least I know I CAN get pregnant. I have NEVER known this to be true.

Thank you all for all of your love and support, and mummy in waiting, I did poas because of you! You said your boobs weren't big, so thanks and it is great to hear "i told you so"!

Total Freak-0ut **with an update?

2010-10-28T03:34:00.002-04:00

There is no doubt left.

I am certain it is not going to work.

My boobs has shrunk to their pre IVF size.

I am going to POAS in a few hours if I have enough pee left on me. It is 3:30 in the morning and I can't stop crying. I am so sad and alone. I don't know if I will have the strength to do this again with my love in Boston.

Stupid fucking useless beta tomorrow.

So. Deeply. Sad.

And then this? Do you see it?

Can that really be a second faint line? The picture sucks, but there is definitely something there. 24 hours or so to beta. holy fucking shit. I am loosing it.

the daily update 9dp3dt *update**

2010-10-26T11:35:00.001-04:00

Yeah, these are probably a bore but I need to document my experience so I can look back if I am destined for IVF #2.

I am still not sleeping through the night. Which leads me to believe I am not knocked up, everyone always talks about how exhausted they are when with child, well not me! Come 1:00am you can find my googling symptoms from bed and groping myself for the 500th time.

My boobs seem to have stopped enlarging. I vacillate between knowing they are smaller to thinking they are about the same size. I am still sporting the veins, which causes an endless loop of The Raconteurs, Blue Veins to play in my head.

I have had a slight headache, whats up with that? Is it because I am so freaking thirsty and therefore dehydrated? I can't be imaging this one, right? And I can't see how I would be dehydrated as I am on my second big-ass bottle of water of the morning. Which makes me pee, all the time. Excessive peeing is not something to read into; drink a lot = pee a lot, duhhh.

I am spiralling down into this madness. I am trying to breathe deep and feel Zen but it is a loosing battle. I cannot control this outcome. I can only continue to pray* and hope that my little embies are continuing to grow and divide.

*I am not religious and feel a bit odd using that word.

Oh, the murderer is in custody! He hasn't been officially charged yet but he is being held on $1,000,000 bail for other charges. The most fucked up thing, I once gave him a ride. In my car. WTF?

***Called the RE to ask about the excessive thirst and cotton mouth and whether or not they are a side effect of the leaky progesterone suppositories. She said no, asked if I was peeing to make sure I don't have OHSS, which I don't. She didn't mention it being a common early pg. symptom either, guess she can't get hopes up.

About the murderer. He was a homeless guy that I used to see everywhere. He hung out at my neighbor's house and lived in the woods where I would x-country ski, run and hike year round. He had a huge dog and once chatted to me about my dogs, he seemed really smart but a little odd after all he seemed to choose to be homeless in Vermont, in the cold, crazy. One day several years ago I went for a run near where he lived and it was raining. After the run I saw him walking up the hill and I offered him a ride into town, about a mile. I thought he was a harmless, weirdo homeless guy. Turns out he committed a BRUTAL murder. So scary.

the dressing room

2010-10-25T10:03:00.001-04:00

Let me start by saying I am enveloped by the full-on crazy making that is the 2ww, the end-is-near 2ww time, not a fun time. Where is my Zen that enabled me to float through this cycle? I need it back. One minute I am certain I am knocked up the next I am sure AF will be coming any second, literally. I hate it. Therefore this post is a little all over the place, bear with me.

I am back home after a great weekend with hubs in Boston. I miss him so much and it was much, much easier to be around his calming energy all weekend. I wish I could be there and not here. It is crazy that the next time I see him we will KNOW.

My husband is not the most stylishly dressed man out there, his wardrobe consists of an array of earth tones; black, brown, green, blue, grey and the occasional deep orange. He hates logos and doesn't like to shop, ever. It is get in, get what you need and get out. This Saturday was different, he asked if I would go to the mall with him! City living is motivating him to be a bit more stylish, in all honesty it has been somewhat of a gradual progression with each passing year he seems to step it up just a little bit. After following him from store to store I was finally persuaded to try on a sweater at a store that was having a HUGE sale. While under the bright unkind lights of the dressing room I couldn't help but notice my ridiculous cleavage, thanks progesterone. And then for some reason I pulled my bra down to look at my boobs and was simultaneously amazed and disgusted by the map of blue veins that seems to have sprouted all over them! Uh, so yeah, you know what this means? I freaked out a little on the inside and wondered if this is my first early pregnancy sign or if it is just another effect of the progesterone. Besides, I can't remember ever looking at the girls in the bright harsh lights of the dressing room before.
But maybe, just maybe. Anyone else have this experience?

I did wake up again last night unable to sleep. The back and forth between my boobs hurting and not hurting makes me feel insane. I also had a slight crampish feeling in my ute for several hours leading me to call my hubs on the way to work to tell him I think its over. And no, I don't want to test. I need to hold out hope for as long as I can even if it makes me crazy in the process.

life and death.

2010-10-22T08:56:00.000-04:00

I have been having trouble sleeping, not falling asleep but waking up and not being able to get back to sleep. Of course I am terribly preoccupied with the constant thoughts of wondering how my embryos are doing. Are they still alive? Have they implanted? Embies, I just want to let you know that I am so happy to have you with me and I look forward to being able to tell you and ultimately show you how amazing life really is! I talk to them a lot, it makes me feel like I am doing something when honestly, I have no control. I had a mini melt down last night, I called my husband and told him over and over how needy I feel and that I need him to be a part of me thinking about whether or not I am pregnant at least seven hundred times a day. It made me feel better just to say it. I am headed down to Boston for the weekend, I am hoping being out of my house will take my mind (ha) off of the craziness for a while. A week from today is my Beta. I wonder if I will end up testing before, historically I am NOT a tester.

I did manage to get back to sleep this morning and I had a very real feeling dream that I got a bfp! It was amazing, but it was only a dream. Have I mentioned how I really, really, really hope this works? Umm yeah, I guess I have.

The other incredibly morbid thing that has been on my mind lately is a murder. Yup, talk about the circle of life. There was a very disturbing murder that happened a couple of blocks away from my office and since I work in the prosecutors office I am privy to all sorts of private information that is FREAKING ME OUT!!! Its a women who was murdered, of course, and the perpetrator has not been found. Many of you who are regular readers know that I live alone (with the exception of weekends)with my browndog on a dirt road with a pretty decent distance between our house and the neighbors. Needless to say I have been locking my doors and thinking about what sort of weapon I may want to keep by my bed. I am so happy I took that extra day off from work after the ET. Don't worry little embies, I will protect you! I do hope ALL of the hard work pays off and they find the sick-fuck who did this, soon.

i want to go back to the nest

2010-10-20T11:14:00.000-04:00

and by nest I mean the couch. I am back at the office. And, try as I might I am not heeding your wise advice. I googled, more than once.
I have a headache, I am tired (because I got used to being on the couch for 3 days) and I have slight cramps! I am somewhat afraid to acknowledge that. Like the double rainbow, I want to know what does it mean????

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI

In between

2010-10-18T17:46:00.002-04:00

I have been lying on the couch for most of the past 36 hours. I did sleep in my bed but mostly I am camped out here alternating between playing on my iPhone, watching too much TV and reading a good book, The Abstinence Teacher. The hubs left to go back to Boston today, it was really amazing to have him here for everything, his physical and emotional support have been invaluable. Now he's gone. I am anxious to resume my normal life but he is encouraging me to take off one more day. He never does that. I do have these little embies on board that I am hosting, I want them to see how great our life is before exposing them to the drama that is my office. I feel a little guilty for missing so much work but fuck it.
It is hard to believe that I am embarking on a 2ww. It is very, very strange to think that the last 6 weeks can result in a real live baby. Can all of those shots and dildo scans and people mucking about in my lady parts get me knocked up? There is a disconnect for sure. This is such a bizarre state of limbo. I want this more than anything but I need to be prepared for the worst. IVFers, any advice on how to balance the two? All of you are my lifeline, not just the IVFers, but every last one of you. I cannot begin to thank you enough.

P.S. About the peeing, my RE asked if I wanted my bladder emptied since it was pretty full and they leave you to lie down for a while. I did crack jokes about peeing in her face, hearing the pee flow out while not actually peeing, so odd!!

More pregnant than I've ever been.

2010-10-17T15:38:00.002-04:00

We didn't make it to a 5 day transfer. We got the call this morning and two embies are safely snuggled into my ute. I am doing my very best to make them at home and encouraging them to hang out for the next 38 weeks or so. Apparently my clinic likes to see at least four 8+ cell embies on day 3 in order to go forward to a day 5 transfer. We missed it by a cell, no joke, one cell. I can't deny that I am not disapointed but being upset over what I cannot control will not do me any good.
The transfer was easy peasy! It was really weird to have my bladder emptied after the transfer. I couldn't help but laugh and appologize to the RE for peeing in her face! The staff was amazing, the dr. who performed my surgery assisted and she told me I had some "good looking embryos".
This process has been very surreal, I don't really know what I thought it would be like but it has been much, much easier than I imagined. I hope this bodes well for the results of my BETA. Oh please, please, please let this work!!!
Any 3 day transfer success stories are welcomed.

One more thing, I am on the couch and can't really auto-correct so ignore any errors!

on the fence, is this ok?

2010-10-15T10:58:00.000-04:00

So the anticipated fert report came within the past hour. Out of the 12 retrieved 8 were mature and 7 fertilized. Is this ok? I am feeling ok mentally but very, very cautious. I am hoping at least ~~one~~ three of them make it to day 5. I want to transfer two and freeze one, at least. Oh I hope, hope, hope this happens. Any stories for me? Good ones only, please.
I am at work but I am planning to leave, soon. I am a bit sore this morning and the progesterone is making me look and feel HOT! My checks are super flushed.

retrieval

2010-10-14T14:58:00.000-04:00

We got a dozen!

Lets see how many fertilize.

Tonights the night

2010-10-12T23:03:00.000-04:00

Its time to pull the trigger. 15 minutes to go. Its past my bedtime.

Thanks to my ovaries for all of their hard work over the past 11 days, you are awesome. Lefty, you are kind-of a rock star, but don't let it get to your head that the ultrasound tech said you were perfect, we need to see what you can produce. It looks like there are about 4-5 on the right and 10 or so on the left. My lining is measuring at a fluffy 10! Props to you too lining, so happy you got it together after the last IUI suck-fest.

Retrieval on Thursday. Wow, this is happening.

and still OK

2010-10-08T09:52:00.000-04:00

Another day another dildo scan. And what did the magic wand see you ask? Well things are progressing, slowly, but they are progressing. I am down to 6 follies on the right and up to 11 on the left all pretty uniform in size roughly about 8mm? The lining is continuing to thicken up and does have the triple stripe pattern. The fab RE anticipates my estrogen levels to still be a bit low, but not too low, because the follies aren't big enough to pump out too much estrogen, yet. They ordered up some more meds because they think I will be stimming until Tuesday or so.....Longer than I expected but the RE was optimistic and emphasized over and over that there are many different paths to the end, not to worry. She specifically instructed me not to Goog.le. I will take heed.

As I was walking out of the exam room my original RE popped out from the next room to check in and tell me he was watching my progress. I was told by a nurse that he tends to get attached to patients and follow their progress, I am heartened that he is following me.

Each step I take in this process is a small victory. I am hoping to make it to retrieval and transfer stage. I refuse to get to get all crazy and worked up. I need to stay grounded and ZEN. The drugs haven't really caused adverse effects, I have had a couple of mild headaches and my ovaries ache but overall the process is no where near as difficult as I had anticipated thus far. I know I may be looking at 5 more days of stims but I can do it. Hubs is coming home tonight for a three day weekend it will be great to hang with him and have him deal with the injects. We have another dildo date on Sunday morning, things could look very different then as my follicles may reach the threshold and take off on a growth spurt.

ok

2010-10-06T09:39:00.000-04:00

First check after 4 nights of stims was this morning. I was starting to feel something going on down there in my ovarian region so I suspected I might see some pretty follies on the screen. So far, so good. I don't want to get all excited because I still have a long, long way to go, but the happy RE was enthusiastic and said things are exactly where they should be. She counted about 9 follies on one side and 10 on the other all measuring around the same size. The lining was a little thin but she was confident that as my estrogen levels continue to rise it will fluff up. She pointed out some pattern on it and said it was a good indicator, not sure what that was about. I will get the call later with the estrogen level and will be instructed about dosage. Friday morning I have another date with dildo cam. Until then its ZEN, ZEN, ZEN.

The IVF prize

2010-10-05T09:13:00.002-04:00

Yesterday morning while I was driving hubs to the train we heard on NPR that the Nobel Prize in physiology and medicine was awarded to Robert Edwards, one of the pioneers of in vitro fertilization. It was so exciting to hear about a life altering medical advancement being recognized. The story discussed IVF and how prolific it is, 4 million IVF babies have born in the US since its inception in 1978.
Perhaps it is because I am in the thick of my IVF cycle that this news was incredibly heart warming. Whatever the outcome of my cycle I want to applaud the groundbreaking scientists who make my efforts possible.
Thank You.

And so far so good, I think. I don't feel anything yet, 3 days of stims down and I go for a progress check tomorrow. Please, keep your fingers crossed. I am envisioning numerous slow, strong growing follies.

baseline visit

2010-10-01T10:38:00.005-04:00

All is quiet in the land of my lady parts. Ovaries are resting up for their marathon production session. Uterus is ready and waiting. I just need the official call from Nurse Lady to tell me I have the green light. Stims will commence tomorrow. I will be with hubs so he can do the mixing and jabbing. I feel pretty calm and I am excited to move onto the next phase.

While I waiting to be called into the exam room my original RE came over with a big smile on his face to say hello and he gave me a warm handshake, stopped, continued to smile and crossed his fingers before walking away, very, very kind. The clinic I go to uses a team approach so I will be sure to see him again. One of the very smart and energetic RE's, the IVF coordinator, was with me today. She did the scan and the mock-embryo transfer, which by the way, is a pretty sweet way to start a morning especially on a full bladder, you must try it sometime! I love her, she is so enthusiastic but very grounded and reasonable. She reviewed the next steps, success rates for different transfer days and number of embryos to put back. I let her know I needed to discuss the numbers with it hubs but I was pretty sure we wanted to do two, the maximum. She mentioned she was on call this weekend and would be more than happy to talk to my husband if he had any questions, wow, she rocks.

We talked about running and she says I should continue because she thinks it is good for my mental health as long as I don't overdo it. I think I will continue with my 3 miles every other day for a few more days. I have my next appointment on Wednesday to check my progress, and at that time I might call it quits. One thing she said really struck me, she said that I am the most important person right now and that this process is all about me and I need to take really good care of myself. I guess that is obvious but she put such a positive spin on it, and I hadn't thought of this in that way before, duh. So before I went back to work I went to a fab spot and splurged on a smoothie and some fancy tarts to bring to my in-laws. I am going to give myself permission to spoil myself and I think I am doing a pretty good job of it already.
I have been so pleased so far, I can imagine the next 10 days might not be as easy but I am ready. I have prepared for this. I can do it.

truth telling

2010-09-28T09:58:00.002-04:00

I was planning to tell you the tangible effects of my last two acupuncture sessions, but I need to articulate my feelings around my brother and SIL's successful IVF cycle. I got a call first thing this morning from my brother and he told me they are having twins! I am NOT surprised at all as it seems she sailed through the IVF process with ease. I am really happy for them, they need some hope and happiness in their lives. As a result of his time at ground zero my brother has undergone 5 diagnostic surgeries in the past year to rule out the varying types of cancers only to figure out that he has a chronic lung condition that will plague him for life. Needless to say it was a harrowing year they can now look forward to celebrating new life together. Me on the other hand, I can't help but acknowledge that his joy is niggling me.
Why? You might be thinking, what a selfish bitch that Gurlee is, can't she just be happy for her brother and shut the fuck up? What is bothering me so much? I guess there are a few things.
They are already telling people and I can't help but feel how unfair that is! I guess they don't consider themselves IF and harbor all of the fears that comes with outing yourself so early on. I know, I know, many of us who get our elusive BFPs tell family right away, don't judge Gurlee. Yes, I know this but it still hurts for some reason.
And they are also not owning up to the fact that they have two IVF babies in there. IVF babies! They can pass it off as babies they tried to conceive and were blessed to have done so with ease. Why aren't they acknowledging their struggles? My mom said to me, did you know they were trying for nearly 10 months? As if. WTF. Why does this bother me so much? I guess because I want people to know that it doesn't come easy for everyone and that I am not the only IF in the family. Yes, I realize I sound like a whiny, hypocritical baby! But we were going through this battle together, now they don't even acknowledge we were down in the trenches together.
Then there is the obvious fear. What if my IVF is not a success? Am I going to have to suffer through another round of holidays not being pregnant while a glowing sister in law is? Ugh. I hate these feelings. I need to acknowledge them in order to let them go. I refuse to harbor negative thoughts, I feel them, process them and then bye-bye. Easy, right? Ha! Why do things have to be so complicated?

In the words of Good Egg, ZEN, ZEN, ZEN.

IVF progress

2010-09-27T09:12:00.001-04:00

Today is my last day of taking bcps. Normally I am not a fan, however they are playing an important part in bringing me closer to my ultimate goal, a baybee. I have said it before but need to say it again bcps are making me fat. I bought a scale yesterday because my RE's office requires you to regularly weigh yourself while stimming, I opened it up this morning and I can't believe how high the number on the scale is. Yikes. I have never weighed this much in my life. The tops of my thighs touch, wtf? Just call me chub rub. I am wondering if stopping bcp will result in a small weight loss before I start fattening my ovaries and continuing to fatten my ass. I can only imagine that it is going to get worse since I am going to have to stop running. Running keeps me sane. But yet, its all for the greater good. I will return to running once I get past this.

Halfway through the Lupron and no side effects to speak of, awesome. Will there be a tipping point? 6 more injects to go in order to find out. My hubs gave me his first shot on Saturday night and honestly, it was the only one that didn't sting afterwards. He has the magic touch, if only we were together for all of my injections. I am planning to go to Boston on Friday and take off work on Monday so we can spend a longer weekend together. When he left yesterday afternoon I was so very sad. I really don't like being apart from him. I love him so much and can't wait until we are living permanently under the same roof. I am so tired of crying on a daily basis. Again, this is all for the greater good.

Today is acupuncture, Thursday is massage and Friday is my baseline visit. So excited to be moving forward.

uhh, I'm told this is normal

2010-09-24T14:28:00.001-04:00

and I am going with it.
Day #3. No side effects thus far except for a bit of brown spotting and that "not so fresh feeling". Damn, I hope I am not setting myself up for a deluge of symptoms.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8OPxZvCAuw&feature=related

shot #1 down

2010-09-23T08:18:00.003-04:00

And I did it all by myself. The hubs was on speaker when I stuck the wee needle in some thigh fat. No biggie.

However, the birth control pills make my ass fat. No joke. I am running just as much as I usually do and I'm not eating more than normal. What a drag. I can only assume its pre-baby padding. And yeah, my boobs are still big and heavy. I don't know how you well endowed ladies do it, the first 1/2 mile of a run I clutch my boobs to make them stop hurting, good thing I live on a dirt road, for now.

Hubs comes home tomorrow! Skweeeeee! It is helpful to like my own company or else I would be a mess.

The Autumnal Equinox ICLW

2010-09-21T09:33:00.002-04:00

Its seems fitting that I title this entry the Autumnal Equinox despite the fact that it really is tomorrow, at 11:09 pm to be exact. I had a Summer Solstice ICLW post, so I am keeping with the theme. It is a pretty bittersweet time for me, probably more bitter that sweet, but I am choosing to have a positive attitude.

Life has been throwing our little family a whole lot of change lately, first the passing of our beloved dog Osa, and then my husband starting his new job in Boston, 3 and a half hours away from me. It is a huge adjustment, I can't remember a day in the last week that I haven't cried, a lot. And tomorrow? I am going to become up close and personal with what I hope will be my friend, Lupron.

Yes, my IVF cycle is a go. I am taking each day as it comes, and not focusing on much more than being present. The timing is awful. I am going to have to do a lot of this on my own. But, whatevs, right? I have no control. Hubs could NOT have passed up this job, he is down in our soon to be new city starting the next chapter in our lives. The distraction could not be better, I am not obsessing over IVF, yet. And hopefully I won't. I have lined up a calendar full of supports: hypnotherapy, acupuncture, and massage. I have two friends that can support me, one close by who I am having lunch with today and another from a far who happens to work at an infertility clinic in another state. I can do this, we can do this.

One very bright spot? My brother and his wife's IVF worked! Second Beta today. Oh, to follow in their footsteps!

The Best thing I have seen on FB in a while

2010-09-17T10:49:00.001-04:00

Like many of you, I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I saw this on a friends FB page and it made me smile. The caption reads: Implantation themed cake for a friend's Pre-IVF party! It was so good for me to see someone out there being "out" about IF and having a celebration with friends and love ones before (or during) their IVF. Inspiring!
In addition, there were numerous supportive and enthusiastic comments, no doubt from people who may have experienced their own IF hell.

the end......

2010-09-15T10:24:00.000-04:00

We lost our sweet girl Osa last night. The end was truly tragic, something I would rather not recount. We were blessed to have had such an amazing girl in our lives. She fought to the very end of her 15+ years. Goodbye sweet O, we will always love you.

rolling down the IVF track.

2010-09-13T14:13:00.000-04:00

We went to the RE's today to review our schedule with the IVF nurse, sign consents, get the injection lowdown, and to have a post surgical sonohystogram.

The nurse was out sick, therefore we didn't get our dates confirmed, yet. The stand in nurse mentioned late October being the next available appointment until I started whining about how I was told I was being penciled in for the beginning of October. Choosing not to freak out and remain positive, I will wait for tomorrow morning's call confirming our start date and the order of our medications. Since my clinic is small, they tend to have numerous women cycling at the same time, we aint got no fancy pants big city clinic in these parts, so I won't have the luxury that many of you do, and therefore I might have to wait an extra week to start the Lupron.

The doc who did my sonohysto and antral follicle count said my uterine cavity looked great, she gave herself an A for her expert surgical skills, as she was the one that excised my fibroids, and added some props to my body for healing so well. My AFC looked good and I was told that both ovaries are very symmetrical, a compliment perhaps? I am not so sure but WTH, I'll take it. I don't know what a normal AFC is, I am opting to not utilize Dr. Google in this one and only (successful) IVF cycle. A gurl has got to have a way to maintain some sanity.